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Wednesday, January 8, 2014

If I had to do pregnancy all over again…

I have been pregnant. Twice. If you asked me how I liked it during the second trimester of either of my pregnancies, I would have told you that pregnancy was a miracle and that I was so lucky to be able to experience it, even if only for a short time. If you asked me how I liked it during the third trimester of either pregnancy, I would have told you that pregnancy was proof that there was no god. But I digress.

Hindsight being 20/20 and all, there are a things that I would do differently if I ever allowed my husband to get within 10 feet of my lady bits again without an arsenal of birth control, such as:

I would have told people earlier/later. 
The first time I was pregnant, waiting really was the hardest part. In retrospect, people were going to find out one way or another, so I wish I just had let the fetal cat out of the bag upon conception. The second time, I wish I would have waited until my water broke to tell people so I didn't have to deal with people saying things like, “Wow, you are so big, are you sure your due date is right?” I would have rather they just thought I had taken up professional bacon eating.

I would have made more unreasonable demands.
Because who doesn't need them some Taco Bell at 3 a.m., really? I do. NOW! And the baby really needs some ice cream at 7 a.m. I mean, its BONES are developing right now. It needs calcium. Do you really want your baby to be born with brittle bones? I didn’t think so. Now head to the store and get the baby some Neapolitan because right now it wants strawberry but it might change its mind by the time you get back so having three choices in the same carton is the safest way to ensure that I won’t cut you, I mean, that the baby will be happy.

Lay off me, I'm starving!

I would have taken more pregnancy pictures.
While I was actually pregnant, the thought of letting someone come near me with anything that resembles a lens made me want to punch a kitten. But in retrospect, I wish I had more photographic evidence that the two amazing monsters that run amok in my house were actually once inside of my belly. Because this one is super attractive and all, but it is not really the legacy I wanted to leave for my kids when they reminisce about their prenatal childhood. 

I would have holed up and not let anyone see me in public.
Not because I was the size of a houseboat, but because being in public subjected me to people who said things that made me want to kill the last of an endangered species. Repeatedly. Here are two examples that actually happened to me:
“You know, with your bigger butt and wide hips, you will be able to hide being pregnant for longer.” Um…great, because being that I am 29 and married, I was really hoping my big arse would help me hide this unwanted teen pregnancy from everyone.

While walking back from the vending machine at work, a lady said to me, "Are you and that baby eating candy again?" That person is now dead.

I would have named my baby something crazy. Like Skittles or T-bone.
 Just because I could. And man, how awesome would it be to have a baby named Skittles? Or what about Fruit Snack or Water Wing? Or Shark Bite? Because then I could give a crazy explanation as to why I chose the name because people would have to believe whatever I said because I did name my baby after it, after all.

So what about you? What would/will you do different next time?

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