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Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Advice Under the Influence: Getting Your Toddler to Eat

Welcome to the world premier of Advice Under the Influence. I have waited a long, long time to share this with you all and am so excited that the day is finally here.

Today's episode of Advice Under the Influence is Getting Your Toddler to Eat. If you currently have toddlers (may God bless your exhausted and incredibly annoyed soul) you know how hard it is to get them to eat anything more nutritious than a Goldfish cracker they found between the couch cushions. Well I have been to the toddler trenches so I have a few knowledge bombs to drop on you.

Once you are done laughing at what a complete idiot with no sense of shame I am, and possibly peeing yourself a little, read on for your first taste of Advice Under the Influence: Behind the Douche Canoe.


Advice Under the Influence: Behind the Douche 

Well, I hope you liked it. Here are a few inside looks at what it takes to make the magic happen:

Stick 'em up, toddlers!

At around :32 was when we discovered that The Quiet Contemplator may just give Daniel Day-Lewis a run for his Oscar-worthy money some day. Seriously, that kid has acting chops in spades.

They are not smelling what I'm cooking...

The Cool Cucumber? Not so much. We tried a few takes of the dinner scene at :56 and every time we would put the fish sticks down he would start shoving them down his gullet like a ravenous beast. But after a few tries, he started picking up what his sister was putting down and got on board with the whole "saying no to food for once in his life" idea. Watching him pick up on his sister's cues and start pushing his plate away and covering his head like she was one of the cutest things ever. (You can see an example of his shoveling around the 1:13 mark. Priceless.)


The down side of this whole episode? Teaching my son to flush Cheerios down the toilet like his sister constantly did as a toddler. That little f'er did that for WEEKS after the shoot. Every time I turned around he was trying to pour a box of cereal down the crapper. Excellent.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed the first of the Advice Under the Influence series. Don't worry, there will be more videos of me making a complete ass out of myself to come. But if you want to ensure that I keep embarrassing myself on the internet, SHARE THESE. With everyone you know. Everywhere. Facebook, Twitter, your uncle's gay porn site, your grandma's bingo newsletter. You get the idea. The more people who watch them, the more likely that the lovely people at ulive will order up another batch of my douche canoery. Thanks so much. I will send imaginary fountains full of wine, unicorns and chocolate to all who share.


The Beer Bitch

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.


  1. Fantastic! Love your sense of humor, great video!

  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  3. I love this! Espically since not 10 mins ago I literally had an argument with my 2 year old stepson over why he couldn't have Halloween candy and daddy's mountain dew for dinner. And quite frankly he almost persuaded me after 5 straight mins of his fingers in his ears screaming CANDY AND "SODER" at the top of his lungs

    1. Oh and I do have to ad my wonderful butt of a hubby thought this was hilarious and was hiding in the kitchen unable to breath from laughing so hard lol

    2. bwahahaha. i want to see video of this!

    3. I should have recorded it. I could've had a viral YouTube video on my hands!

  4. LOVE this! Absolutely and hilariously spot on. Congrats on this great opportunity!

  5. I love this! Congrats on the world premier!


I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

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