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Thursday, August 1, 2013

It's hard enough to keep my kids from eating dog food

Today I have the lovely Mack N. Cheese from Is there Cheese in it? She likes bad words, books and booze. Therefore, I love her. I also love her for guest posting for me while I try to manage the shitstorm that is this blog right now (secret project alert!).

Anyway. Enjoy:

My friend posted a link on Facebook today. You'll probably want to read it yourself but I'll give you the Cliff's Notes: If you're anything like me, there is a very high chance you are feeding your kids carcinogens on a daily basis. I am very thankful she posted it. Like learning about what's really on the inside of Capri Suns, baby nose bulbs and public swimming pools, I feel that this is the "need to know" brand of information. But part of me is like, goddammitalready!

Well, I guess I'll just have to tell our personal chef to be extra vigilant when shopping for the locally grown, organic, all natural, free range ingredients for the painstakingly prepared, nutritionally balanced, healthful, brimming-with-vitamins-and-antioxidants and yet oh so delicious meals we need three six nine times a day (because every time they ask for something specific and it is presented to them they want something that is not that at all and that we do not have a single ingredient for). Oh. Wait. I am the chef. And I don't have the freaking time for this shit.

Don't get me wrong. I want to feed my family well and I want to eat well myself but aside from the obvious problem that THEY PREFER DOG KIBBLE TO MY COOKING, there are the other pesky problems of not having limitless funds and time. Even Rachael Freaking Ray's alleged 30-minute meals take more than thirty minutes because I do not have all of the things that I need and even when I do they are not perfectly arranged and washed and chopped into one-inch squares in my fridge. And, p.s., Rachael Ray and Sandra Lee, the supposed time-and-money-saving Food Network gurus, use lots of things from boxes and cans, like we all do, because they save money and time! Also, I would like to point out, they are not cooking in the midst of a civil uprising of rabid baby koala bears. So there's that. Actually, I am not into cooking shows or much "reality television" in general (actually I'm lying, I love Cake Boss and Project Runway) but I think I just came up with the premise of the next big Food Network/reality TV hit - Top Toddler Chef. All meals to be prepared between 5 and 7 pm, a.k.a. "The Witching Hour(s)." Each elimination round you throw another hangry toddler in the kitchen and the winner is the last one standing who hasn't accidentally grilled a baby or (intentionally) killed themselves.

But alright. Say I go spend twice as much for fresh, locally grown, organic, golden fertilizer produce and magical pastured eggs and $20 a gallon raw milk from Whole Foods or Organic R Us or whatever. First of all, obviously, that's less money in my pocket. Second of all, it's less time, because that means I still have to go to another "real" store for cleaning products that actually clean and paper products that are more effective than wet Kleenex at cleaning up spills, and are sold in more than a two-pack because sorry, "Mudder Erf," but my son thinks he has to use a new napkin every.single.time. he spills and he spills A LOT. We are attempting to disabuse him of this notion but it is taking some time. We have worked up to three wipes per napkin. It's a process. And don't even get me started on diapers (what about cloth diapers you ask? sorry. i highly admire you. but no.) and wet wipes and toilet paper needs with multiple toddlers in tow. Hey! Maybe we should just grow our own food? We have a pretty big backyard. I could probably fit a garden and a milking cow. I have always wanted a wait. That was a pony. I wanted a pony.

Okay. So, the ingredients alone are costing me more money and more time. But even if Whole Foods had Costco prices and home delivery, someone has to cook this crap! And I suck at cooking. I made homemade baby food for the kids and was always surprised to receive (undeserved) kudos because let me tell you, it is not that hard, especially if you have an awesome and highly overpriced baby-food-preparing thingy (e.g., Beaba). It is 27 times harder to cook actual human person meals that are nutritious and that both small children and adults will enjoy eating. And DO NOT tell me to origami that shit into interesting shapes and/or elaborate dioramas or I will freaking cut you. Seriously. I believe you (sort of) that it inspires your children to actually eat their food but please see sections I. and II., supra, about not having time for that shit. See also, section III re: rabid koalas, above. And anyway. I do serve shapes. Hey. Look at this peanut butter and jelly sandwich! It's a square! Your orange is a circle, whee, fun! And grapes! Um - little circles! Alright! Farfelle = butterflies! Oh and bunnies and goldfish too - no assembly required! With a free side of carcinogens! Argh!

Sometimes I think to myself, really? I mean, is it really that bad? Most of my generation was raised on Froot Loops and that godawful Mac &"Cheese" and we all turned totally fine...right??? Actually, not really, because something like 1 in 2 people will be diagnosed with some type of cancer at some point in their lifetime. WTF?! I mean, who knows if it's smog or cell phones or laptops or Fruit Loops or Monsanto or our collectively sinful souls or bad karma or some combination of the above, but if there's a chance of decreasing our risk, I guess we have to take it? Or, like everything else in life, "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." (There she goes again with the quotes. That one's Theodore Roosevelt.) And sometimes all I have are chicken nuggets and toaster waffles. Don't judge.
Also - the FDA could maybe make it illegal to put cancer-causing shit in food sold for human consumption? Just a thought.

Bravo, Mack. I couldn't have said it better myself!

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.
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