Preggo my Eggo Update: 12 weeks down, 28 to go. Like AA without all of the meetings

Pregnancy is just like AA, but without all of the meetings that help you get through the months of being without sweet, sweet alcohol. Well, I did it again. I got knocked up and didn’t think of the consequences: nine LONG months without the delicious wonder that is beer, wine and other assorted alcoholic beverages. Now, I am not an alcoholic or anything, I just REALLY like the taste of a delicious cold beer after a long day of work, teething, husbands, sunshine, rain, snow, etc. My. God. This. Is. Going. To. Be. A. Long. Nine. Months. 

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REALLY? (Sh*t People Actually Said to Me)

On yesterday's subject of dumb things people say, I figured I would dust off some old stories of mine and share them with you. Today, our installment is called:

Stupid Sh*t People Actually Said to Me After I had a Baby

A week after I had the baby, I had to go to a friend’s art opening. I thought I looked pretty damn good for having had a baby a week earlier until three separate people came up to me and said, “Damn, when are you going to have that baby already?” To which I responded, “I had her last week.” To which they responded, “No seriously, when are you due.” Me, “No, seriously, I had her last week.” Commence hysterical tears.

When joking with a coworker that I was covered in baby snot because my daughter had a cold, she informed me that, had I breastfed (I didn't), my baby wouldn’t get sick. Oh, OK. Thanks for the info.

While holding a friend’s six-week-old baby, a coworker came up to me and said, “Wow, I didn’t think you were that far along again.” I said, “I am not. I had my baby eight months ago and I am not pregnant again.” But thank you for making me feel like a huge fat a$$ that looks seven months pregnant again.

REALLY? (Sh*t People Actually Said to Me)

On yesterday's subject of dumb things people say, I figured I would dust off some old stories of mine and share them with you. Today, our installment is called:

Stupid Shit People Actually Said to Me While I was Pregnant

“Was it a surprise?” Well, no. By 29, I hope I am smart enough to have figured out the whole birth control thing.

  

“You know, with your bigger butt and wide hips, you will be able to hide being pregnant for longer.” Um…great, because being that I am 29 and married, I was really hoping my big ass would help me hide this unwanted teen pregnancy from everyone.

While walking back from the vending machine at work, a lady said to me, "Are you and that baby eating candy again?" Bitch, I will stab you.

I had someone ask when I was due, then after I told her in four months she responded, "Wow, you big." "You way bigger than Diane (who was due in, like, 15 seconds)." Wow, thanks for that. Let me see if I can waddle my huge ass out of here before I punch you in the neck.

While deep in my cavity-filled mouth, my dental hygienist proceeded to tell me about her and her daughter’s late-term miscarriages, and then get really sad. This was the first time I had met her. Good to know, thanks.

REALLY? (Sh*t People Actually Said to Me)

On yesterday's subject of dumb things people say, I figured I would dust off some old stories of mine and share them with you. Today, our installment is called:

Stupid Sh*t People Actually Said to Me Before I was Pregnant

Before I was even thinking about kids, I walked up to a lady at work to ask her for something. She immediately squealed at me. I asked her what was wrong. She squealed again and then looked at my stomach. After me still not getting what she was aiming at, she proceeded to put her hand on my stomach and ask me if I was excited. I responded, “No, I am not excited. I am not pregnant and now I have to throw away a brand new dress and never talk to you again.

Traitor Joe's

Yesterday at I had my first bad experience ever at the chain that I consider a gift from God filled with delicious cheeses, dark chocolate covered cherries and dirt-cheap, yet drinkable wine.

While checking out at Trader Joe’s, the 20-something cashier tilted her head and said to me, “Awww, how are you feeling?” Taken off guard I looked at her and said, “Fine. How are you?” The in hit me: 20-something thinks I am pregnant. Not only pregnant, but large-and-in-charge enough to comment on it. Not 100% sure this was the case, I continued to check out without punching her in the neck. Then she said to me, while holding my whole mini watermelon and one bag of groceries, “Are you sure you are OK? Do you need help out?” Me, “Um, no. I got it. Thanks.”

Though I managed to not start the revolution on her in the middle of a public place, I will now be burning the dress I was wearing and cutting back on the dark chocolate covered cherries. Damn you, devil cashier. I love Trader Joe's dark chocolate covered cherries almost as much as I love their $3 bottles of wine. F*ck it, maybe I will just drown my sorrows in cheap wine and expensive cherries. That aughta show her!

To leash, or not to leash. Is that really a question?

I work at a popular public attraction that affords me views into the dark side of parenting on a daily basis. The people-watching factor at my job is SPECTACULAR. You name ‘em, they visit.

One of my favorite sights to see is people with their kids on leashes. You know what I am talking about—the “backpacks” that pose as a cute little stuffed monkeys where the tail is actually a handle that can be used to yank back unruly children. Damn you, demon child! Stay away from that ice cream truck! YANK!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe that there is a place in the world for this space-aged technology. If I was, say, the mother to triplet boys and I was crazy enough to venture out into public with them by myself, its a sure bet I would harness those little beams of light up and yell MUSH! when it was time to hit Target. But when it is just me, my husband and our two kids, we somehow manage to handle them without leashing them.

So where do you stand on the “leashgate”?

Please don't pee on my herbs, young man.

So today I witnessed some awesomeness in parenting. While eating outside at a cafe, I saw a woman let her maybe 2 and 3-year-old boys pee in public. Not just in public, mind you, but on the actual herb garden that the restaurant used to supply spices for their food! Once they were "finished", they proceeded to walk over to their mother--who was busy on her cell phone, of course--with their pants around their ankles and still peeing. She said pull up your pants and continued her very important business meeting. Ca-lass-ay lady! What is wrong with this?

1. I prefer the only wiener that comes with my lunch to be of the proccessed meat form.
2. The children were all eating the food from the restaurant, which, should they return in the future, might actually contain their own urine.
3. Dude, you peed on an herb garden. If you want your pee to smell like asparagus, you eat it, not pee on it.

Thanks, classy lady. Your awesome display of parenting made me laugh and feel like a better parent all at the same time, though I won't be ordering anything with thyme in it in the near future.

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