Mother Goose, we need to talk.

MG, we need to talk. Some of your nursery rhymes are just downright f'ed up. I mean, come on. You are dropping babies from the tops of trees, sending some dude to my house name Wee Willie to check if my kids are in bed, breaking open a poor kid named Jack's head, and don't even get me started on what you did to that poor Humpty fellow. One of my favorites is Goosey Goosey Gander. Not because it brings back joyful childhood memories, but because it is super f'ed. For those of you who don't remember, here is how Goosey Goosey Gander goes:

Goosey goosey gander,
Whither shall I wander?
Upstairs and downstairs
And in my lady's chamber.

There I met an old man
Who wouldn't say his prayers,
So I took him by his left leg
And threw him down the stairs.

First off, Lady, who is this random old dude that is up in your bedroom? SCANDAL! Second off, he is not only some random old dude, but also an atheist? Nice. I love that you employ a psychotic goose to eliminate your anti-religious bedfellows. Who better to weed out your sexual riffraff than a superhuman goose who can throw grown men down a flight of stairs. Genius. Where do I obtain such a righteous goose?