Thursday, May 2, 2013

Why Potty Training is like Prison

Potty training sucks. BIG TIME. I have found it is a lot like prison. Here's why:

You can't escape it.
No matter how hard you try to get out of it, you are going to have to do your time. Your can't beg, plead or cry your way out of your sentence. You just have to suck it up and do the hard time, coaxing your toddler to do something they don't want to do with stickers, M&Ms and outright bribery.

Your are on lockdown.
There will be no trips to the park, grocery store or The Target in your future. Outside potties are "scary" and fear of an accident while out or regressing if you slap a diaper on your little trainer is just too much to bear, so you are on house arrest until this hell potty training is over.

You are on latrine duty.
No matter how careful you are and how much you prepare, there is going to end up being pee everywhere--the toilet, the bathmat, the floor, the walls. So, bring out the rubber gloves and toilet brush because mommy is on toilet duty. FOREVER.

Your sentence is indefinite.
Though you have been sentenced to a month in the loo, you may get let off early for good behavior or you may have a tough peerole hearing and get another year tacked on to your sentence. Only time, and Jack Daniels, will tell.

Your cell is small…and dirty.
You are about to be locked in a cell the size of, well, your bathroom for the next month…or more. No matter how much you clean, sitting on the floor near the toilet is always sort of skeevy. I mean, come on, you poop in there.

Your cellmate is annoying.
You are now stuck for the majority of your day with a tiny cellmate that can be super annoying. The 500th time they ask you, "But why?" when you tell them they have to try to go on the potty may not cause you to attack them with a shiv, but it may cause you to bring the box of wine in and plant it firmly on the sink.

It all happened one night…
…when you got knocked up. One night of reckless sex has led to an indefinite sentence of cleaning up someone else's poop and pee out of a tiny, tiny toilet. And you even have to help them wipe. Was the crime really worth the time?

You may get sent back.
Even after your release for good behavior, chances are, you will be sent back to prison for violating parole. A new baby, daycare, illness, brand of milk, etc., can send your cellmate into a tizzy that will result in you getting sent back to the slammer diaper duty.

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