Today I am sharing a post with you by my completely funny ass friend, Hannah
. She is rediculous and has no sense of shame at all. I puffy heart love her. Enjoy!
If you’re like me, the NETFLIX series Making A Murderer
has trapped you, chewed you up and spit you back out into a colder, crueler world where nothing will ever be as it once was. It is an infuriating, haunting and fascinating look into the justice system that will make you want to crawl into your TV and punch people.
Obviously there are two sides to every story, but I don’t have time for that. I prefer to consume my news in one sided documentary form and quickly jump to my own conclusions. Preferably conclusions which are spoon fed to me by people looking to make a profit.
If you don’t have NETFLIX or have not yet had a chance yet to watch, I’ve taken the liberty of nutshelling it all below for your reference. It is a story everyone must hear in order to be properly paranoid. The most routine traffic stop can turn into life in prison in the blink of an eye and you’re gonna need to know what to do when the cops plant a dead cat in your trunk.
A vacationing woman is raped and beaten on the beach while jogging. The wrong man, Steven Avery, is convicted and spends 18 years in prison. Then in 2003 DNA is invented and they realize they made a mistake and let him out.
KEY TAKEAWAY: Avoid all physical activity while on vacation
Steven Avery attests the police knew he was innocent from the get go and unleashes Kill Bill-style vengeance in the form of a sensible, warranted lawsuit. But just when he starts to get some traction, dead girl bones are found in his back yard. Shit gets real.
KEY TAKEAWAY: If you’re in prison because you’ve been framed by an ENTIRE POLICE DEPARTMENT, when you are let out you run far far away and never look back
Brendan is Steven’s learning disabled nephew and is coerced into giving a confession that makes no sense, or backed up by, you know, any evidence. Everyone goes to jail.
Jodi, Steven’s girlfriend promises us she “Ain’t going nowhere”. Thank God for Jodi. She’s the only one in this whole show whose hair doesn’t hurt our eyes.
KEY TAKEAWAY: Brendan can’t hear you, no matter how loud you scream at your TV to try to help him
Brendan’s lawyer, a foreskin with glasses, tricks Brendan into giving a written statement. He is later fired but the damage has been done. Jodi leaves us. She was our everything and now she’s gone. Brendan misses Wrestle Mania. His Dad tapes it.
KEY TAKEAWAY: Jodi is a damn liar
The trial starts and Teresa’s (the deceased girl) beady eyed, stocking hat wearing ex-boyfriend takes the stand and is obviously guilty because, you know – beady eyes and stocking cap.
KEY TAKEAWAY: Never book a second date with someone you believe could be capable of shooting you in the head then throwing your body into a fire
A bloody bullet, which was found in Steven’s garage, is presented as evidence. A bloody bullet found FOUR MONTHS after the previous searches. A bloody bullet found by the police department which was ordered to stay away from crime scene because, you know, THEY FRAMED HIM BEFORE.
On a side note, this evidence was presented by a woman who is a compilation of everyone who was mean to me in high school. Well guess what, Sherry! I’m a grown woman now; you can’t hurt me anymore. And I don’t give two craps about your “evidence”.
KEY TAKEAWAY: Just kidding please invite me to your birthday
A car key found in Steven’s bedroom is presented as evidence. A car key found in plain sight MONTHS after the previous searches. A car key found by the exact policeman who was not supposed to be there because he was directly LINKED TO FRAMING HIM BEFORE.
KEY TAKEAWAY: Previous assumptions that anyone with a northern accent is inherently trustworthy are false
Everyone is in cahoots. Steven is found guilty and sentenced to life in prison despite any believable evidence or speck of blood found ANYWHERE ON HIS PROPERTY.
KEY TAKEAWAY: There’s always someone out there having a worse Tuesday than you
Brendan is guilty as well, despite any physical evidence and severe inconsistencies in the story police instructed him to say. But no one is surprised. We all knew that was coming after this shit show.
KEY TAKEAWAY: No one ever should watch this documentary
We’re all learning how to move forward with the lives we’ve been dealt. We have a new girlfriend – she’s no Jodi but she’ll do okay. Oh and P.S. the lead prosecutor in the case was fired due to sexually harassing his domestic abuse clients but we’re not surprised. He was creepy as all get out. No one seems to care or willing to re-open our case.
KEY TAKEAWAY: The system is broken, and poor people accused of crimes are royally fucked
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