It all started with a stomach virus and has melded into bronchitis. Because just puking and crapping my brains out wasn't enough. I also had to spend the week after that painfully coughing up what I imagine to be important parts of my anatomy.
Anywho. Lucky for you, my monkey pox resulted in the following conversation between myself and ADD Daddy (at least I think it did. I have been kind of hallucinating lately from the lack of sleep/booze the pox have caused):
Scene: Our bedroom around 2 a.m. (don't worry, no "lotion" was present). I wake up to a scary noise and immediately wake up ADD Daddy.
Me: (shaking ADD Daddy) Wake up. Do you hear that noise?
ADD Daddy: Sn4834hvjks89i4nwktgr…zzzzzzz
Me: (shaking ADD Daddy harder) WAKE UP! Do you hear that noise?
ADD Daddy: Zzzzzzzzzzz...WHAT! What? What. What noise?
Me: That scary noise.
ADD Daddy: What scary noise?
Me: The noise that sounds like you are taking one of those ribbed plastic straws out of one of the kids' cups.
ADD Daddy: WHAT?
Me: You know, those plastic straws that are shaped like those Burple drinks you used to get when you played little league when you were a kid. Those were awesome. I used to love those.
ADD Daddy: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?!?! WHAT IS BURPLE?
ADD Daddy: Are you serious?
Me: Yes I am serious. What is it?
ADD Daddy: Are you SERIOUS?
Me: Yes. And why do you keep asking me that? What is it?
ADD Daddy: It is the sound of you breathing.
Me: No it's not. I am talking about the horrible weird scratchy noise. Wait for it…there it is. Wait for it…there it is again. That noise. You don't hear it?
ADD Daddy: Yes I hear it.
Me: Well then, what is it?
ADD Daddy: Seriously, it is the sound of you breathing.
Me: Oh. Gross.
ADD Daddy: Yes, I know. It is like sleeping with Darth Vader. Now shut up and go back to sleep.
Me: OK. Zzzzzzzzzzz (crackle crackle) Quiet Contemplator, I am your mother.