10 Questions About Baby's First Week

An email from WebMD that I thought deserved my interpretation. Though theirs was mainly questions about how to prevent SIDS and other scary schmidt, I thought these were equally important:

1. Why did no one tell me that my boobs would be bigger than Dolly Parton's and squirt milk whenever I even think about the baby?
2. How on earth can the baby be hungry? I just fed it 20 minutes ago.
3. Why is the baby pooping so much? It subsists on a strictly liquid diet.
4. How is it possible that something so tiny is so loud?
5. Why does the baby sleep all day and stay up all night? Was it in a rock band while in the womb? Should I be concerned about drugs?
6. Why in the hell did I decide having a baby was a good idea?
7. Is it wrong that I dream about a time when my life was filled with cheap chardonnay and expensive shoes, not cheap haircuts and expensive diapers?
8. Is it just me, or is my baby an a$$hole?
9. Is it wrong that i think my baby is an a$$hole? Does that make me a bad mom?
10. Where is the vodka?

Household chores to avoid during pregnancy.

I didn't click through to make sure, but I imagine this is what BabyCenter was going to say when they sent me this link: 4 household chores to avoid during pregnancy.

1. Cooking anything.

2. Cleaning anything.

3. Shopping for anything.

4. Having sex with anything.

Preggo my Eggo Update: 23 weeks down, 17 to go.

Dear Dove,

Though I sincerely appreciate your attempt to make me feel validated while stuffing my face full of your chocolate goodness, I do not need for you to hide inspirational messages in my empty candy wrappers. I don't need to contemplate the meaning of "Discover yourself." when I am scarfing down my 3rd chocolate treat. You don't need to tell me to "Be free. Be happy. Be you." when I finish the 15th. I have "discovered" that "being me" involves inhaling a significant amount of your product. Let's just leave it at that.

I have a few suggestions for your future wrappers. Take 'em or leave 'em, just make sure to send me a check when this awesomeness hits stores.

• This is why you're fat.
• Do you really need another one?
• A minute on the lips, a lifetime on your a$$.
• Got cellulite?
• God is watching you.
• You're pregnant.
• I know where Waldo is.
• Look behind you.
• They're watching.
• Now contains 99% more cat.
• Sure, one is only 40 calories, but you have had 13.
• See, size does matter.
• Nom Nom Nom

He's getting bigger by the minute...

Bloated? 10 Tips for a Flat Belly

WebMD just sent my pregnant a$$ this email, "Bloated? 10 Tips for a Flat Belly." Here are my tips for myself:

1. Stop getting pregnant.
2. Stop having sex so you don't get pregnant.
3. Stop eating ice cream and candy after every meal.
4. Sugar-coated cereal is not a food group.
5. Eat a vegetable. Just one. I swear it won't kill you.
6. Chocolate-covered strawberries don't count as fruit.
7. Walking two miles doesn't make up for eating a whole cake.
8. Salad is not the enemy.
9. Beef is not always what's for dinner. Chicken is nice, too.
10. Listen to Michelle Obama. She is a nice lady.  

Mother Goose, we need to talk.

MG, we need to talk. Some of your nursery rhymes are just downright f'ed up. I mean, come on. You are dropping babies from the tops of trees, sending some dude to my house name Wee Willie to check if my kids are in bed, breaking open a poor kid named Jack's head, and don't even get me started on what you did to that poor Humpty fellow. One of my favorites is Goosey Goosey Gander. Not because it brings back joyful childhood memories, but because it is super f'ed. For those of you who don't remember, here is how Goosey Goosey Gander goes:

Goosey goosey gander,
Whither shall I wander?
Upstairs and downstairs
And in my lady's chamber.

There I met an old man
Who wouldn't say his prayers,
So I took him by his left leg
And threw him down the stairs.

First off, Lady, who is this random old dude that is up in your bedroom? SCANDAL! Second off, he is not only some random old dude, but also an atheist? Nice. I love that you employ a psychotic goose to eliminate your anti-religious bedfellows. Who better to weed out your sexual riffraff than a superhuman goose who can throw grown men down a flight of stairs. Genius. Where do I obtain such a righteous goose?

Preggo my Eggo Update: 22 weeks down, 18 to go.

OK, the cleaning ladies at work have to stop commenting on my trash can contents. Yes, I eat a lot of candy. No, I don't want to discuss all of the empty wrappers in my trash. Coconut M&Ms are delicious. End of story.

Also, someone in my office has been messing with my food. A box of animal crackers was stolen from my desk, then moved to a place in my office where I would never find see it. A few weeks later, I found them, high on top of a cabinet and way in the back. Seriously? Does someone have a death wish? Don't touch a pregnant lady's food! Especially their cookies. Phalanges have been chopped off for lesser offenses.

One more non-food complaint: people that get on my case about running really annoy me. I call these people drive-by gynecologists. You know the type: the naysayers that have an opinion on everything you do/eat/say when you are pregnant but have no actual medical education whatsoever and often haven't even pushed a watermelon out of their vag boxes--if they even have one.

Are you my OB? Have you spoken to them? No? Than please shut your monkey pie hole. And, no, I am not shaking the baby when I run, moron. I actually rock him to sleep like he is surfing on a tiny baby waterbed filled with kittens.

A lady I work with just accosted me on the way back from the bathroom to ask (accuse) me about my running while with child. When common sense was getting me nowhere, I told her I am trying to beat my personal best pushing-the-baby-out-of-me time of 15 minutes and running really helps with that. She immediately ended the conversation.

I love running. I don't do it to be thin or show people up. I don't run marathons or participate in Ironman competitions, I run 5Ks and maybe a half marathon every 20 years or so. I do it because it is the only real time I get for me. And while I can still do it, why not? My Dr. all but wrote me a prescription to do it as long as possible, so what's the problem? Besides the whole shaken baby syndrome thing, apparently. But who doesn't like their baby a little shaken, anyway?

Sorry, I am no longer cleaning my office for pictures and, yes, I am covered in Fatty hair.

My Morning

So this is how my morning went:

• Wake up to find bloody cat pee in the bathroom.
• Decide to take cat to vet.
• Load cat in cat carrier.
• Violently loud cat screaming commences.
• Violently loud kid screaming commences because the cat is hurt.
• Kid will not leave cat’s side.
• Kid being near cat makes cat angrier.
• Cat screams louder.
• Get kid and cat strapped in car.
• Drop kid off at school and hope the Humane Society is not called because the cat can be heard screaming all the way from the car.
• Arrive at vet.
• Start up conversation with lady who seems normal.
• She’s not.
• She starts talking about dog rape, child abuse and disabled kids being beheaded.
• Stop talking to lady.
• New guy walks in with clear plastic bag of wet dog poo.
• Start gagging and have to leave the room.
• See vet.
• Vet says cat has another UTI and weighs half of what my 21-month-old does.
• Give vet $75 for pee medicine.
• Strap cat back in car.
• Drive cat home.
• Take cat inside where she immediately pees on the floor.

Excellent.

My pee-hole hurts.

10 Signs You Shouldn't Have Sex During Pregnancy

I recently got a Pregnancy Bulletin email from BabyCenter titled, "10 signs you shouldn't have sex during pregnancy‏". I figured these were the 10 signs:

1. You're pregnant, which is the result of sex, and you don't want to get any more pregnant.
2. Your idea of hitting the sheets involves 14 body pillows, a sleep mask, a fan and ear plugs.
3. You have gas so bad that you make the entire country of Mexico cringe.
4. You can no longer see the hedges in order to trim them, and who wants to venture into uncharted territory, anyway?
5. The mere sight of the bastard that got you into this whole mess makes you want to punch a kitten.
6. Your idea of foreplay is ordering cheese sticks before the pizza comes.
7. The Dr. told you not to lay on your back after the first trimester, and there is no way this cowgirl is saddling up.
8. One tiny penis inside of you is enough, who needs another?
9. Your idea of putting on "something sexy" is listening to Barry White while eating an Oreo Blizzard on the couch in your PJs.
10. You're awake.

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