Wednesday, January 15, 2014
If OBGYNs were brutally honest
I recently watched this video and snort-laughed the whole way through it. It is beyond a winner. Take a look and see all of the glorious funny it has to offer:
HIGHlarious, right? Well if got me to thinking of a few more things that would be funny if your OB was brutally honest about, like:
There's a chance that once the baby comes out all the puppy dog rainbows feelings you were eagerly awaiting won't happen. You might actually look at your kid and say, "Fuck, I have to pay for this thing's college?"
Pooping for the first time after delivery will be like giving birth all over again: painful, a struggle to push out and blood will most likely be involved.
If you breastfeed, there's a good chance your nipples are going to feel like they were attacked by a group of angry pirhanas. And that's the positive note. Let's not even go into milk duct infections that will make it feel like an infected watermelon is trying to escape out of something the size of a pinhole.
And if you decide not to breastfeed, when your milk comes in your hooters are going to get the size of cantaloupes and then hurt more than anything you've ever experienced in your life. They are going to make pushing that watermelon out of your lady bits feel like a joyous Christmas morning.
Just looking at the guy who knocked you up for the first few weeks after birth might induce rage strokes. The mere sight of his stupid fucking face might make you want to punch a kitten. Repeatedly.
Postpartum sex for him is going to feel a lot like throwing a golf ball down a hallway.
Postpartum sex for you is going to feel a lot like throwing a razorwire covered bowling ball into a mouse hole.
But the good news is: all of the horror stories you have heard about birth might not happen to you at all. Including the ones you have just read. Good luck!
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