Thursday, April 25, 2013

Mommy Tolerance Threshold Scale

I have found that I have a Mommy Tolerance Threshold Scale when it comes to bad behavior. Whether it is putting Cheerios in the toilet for the 20th time, or hitting the cat when I have said not to a million times, there are varying levels of annoyedness to my Mommy Scale and I can go from green to black in about five seconds. Enjoy, and please don’t call DCFS.

Level 1: (No Annoyance Rating)  
Oh, isn’t that cute.  
You are such a smart and precocious child. I am so proud of you. Everything you do just amazes me. (Insert puppy dogs, rainbows and unicorn farts here.)

Level 2: (Low Annoyance Rating) 
They are just testing boundaries because they are smart.   
Nothing to worry about. They are just exploring cause and effect and seeing how I react. If I yell at them, it will only discourage them.

Level 3: (Moderate Annoyance Rating) 
Honey, sweetie, please don’t do that.  
Sweetheart, I get your curiosity for new things, but what you are doing is getting on Mommy’s nerves just a bit. Let’s try some redirection, shall we?

Level 4: (High Annoyance Rating) 
DUDE, please don’t do that.   
OK, enough with this redirection crap. Mommy said no and Mommy meant no. Now knock it off before Mommy gets stabbity.

Level 5: (Very High Annoyance Rating)
 Seriously, knock it the f*ck off. 
Mommy has said no about 15 times now and you keep doing it. Have you had a stroke and gone deaf or something? What is wrong with you? STOP IT!

Level 6: (ABORT! ABORT!) 
ADD Daddy, take the wheel.   
ADD Daddy, take these kids. Now. Mommy is going to go drink until she can look at your faces again.

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