Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Goodbye, dignity. Hello, minivan.

If you follow me on Facebook* (seriously, you should. I am funnier there.), you probably already know my recent shame: I bought a fucking minivan.

Previously referred to as the Shame Wagon, I have decided to name the family truckster Rambone. Partly because Dave Ramsey made me do it and partly because it was painful at first, but after I got used to it, I really liked it.

Meet Rambone.

Though you already know that I covet minivans, it still may come as a shock to some of you that I actually bought one. And for that, I am sorry. Many of you look up to me, and I have let you down. I have fallen into the pit of douchebagery, never to return. I know I may never be able to earn back your trust, but I promise I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying. I understand if you don't want to hear from me.

Riding the Rambone.

What started off as just a little bump here and there to help me pick my kids has spiraled into a full-blown addiction. I promise, just one more hit off those remote-open doors and I will be done for good. Ok, maybe just one more, but only because my arms are full and I can't reach the door. Oh, fuck it. I am a junkie. I am a Honda Odyssey junkie. There, I said it. Wow, it feels good to finally say it out loud. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. Hi, my name is The Beer Bitch, and I am a minivan addict. (Hi, The Beer Bitch.)

Sorry, but that shit is roomy, yo.


*Mark Zuckerberg is a dick, BTW. He wants me to pay him so my fans can see my posts in their Facebook feeds (the ones they SIGNED UP to receive). To give him the finger, go to my page, click "Liked" and drag down to "Show in News Feed". Take that, you wormy bastard.

22 comments:

  1. I'm about to trade in my Jeep liberty for a minivan. Nice to know I am not alone.

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    1. Seriously, they are EPIC! I want to dry hump mine.

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  2. I still don't get why minivans are better than SUVs. School me.

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  3. Glad you are learning to love riding the bone. Now you can pick up fabulous shit from the side of the road (i.e. all wood Victorian dollhouse, vintage riding toys, the oh-so-necessary wall taxidermy, etc).

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    1. oh, girl. i have been dumpster diving since birth. i once ruined the paint on my Saturn to jam an antique trunk in my backseat. ha.

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    2. Uh, kidding on the taxidermy. Unless of course, it was a pink cat. Or a squirrel with a nut-I would definitely pick that up.

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    3. I have been wanting to find a set of antlers I could paint hot pink to be ironic.

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  4. The title of this post says it all. I have to admit, I never went to the dark side, but those automatic doors seem damn awesome and have tempted me more than once!

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  5. No loss of dignity, you just joined the rest of us grownups.

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  6. It looks so nice parked in the driveway. But don't worry, I won't go falling in love it with it because I know you're taking it with you when you leave here next month.

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  7. Welcome to our world. Is that the Odyssey? I have immediate minivan jealousy.

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  8. I never wanted one, until my son came along. Now it's my dream car, and I only have the one kid!

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  9. This kills me because I'm considering a minivan... but I've bashed them for YEARS. Swearing I'd never be THAT mom. And here I am. Almost happy about the prospect of owning one. Le Sigh. The husband still isn't convinced since the turn radius sucks. Because that's what's important when you have to cart around kids? The friggin turn radius. Oy vey.

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    Replies
    1. Yep. That was me. Tuck that tail between your legs and get yourself a family truckster, girl. They are amazeballs!

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  10. Out of embarrassment I have been keeping my switch from SUV to Minivan on the DL but you've inspired me to come outta the closet...err, garage...I AM A MINIVAN OWNER, TOO! Girl, I got the dual DVD players, bluetooth, remote start, remote doors and back hatch...I'm fucking roll'n, Yo!! The best part is that all I have to do is push a button and the kids practically get themselves all. buckled. IN! Power to the minivan-mamas!!

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    Replies
    1. I envy your impressive features! Rock that shit, yo!

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I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

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