Things that are way over my kid's pay grade
Now, don't get me wrong, my kids are smart. But a lot of gifts we receive are for kids that are more than twice their age. This is lovely and all, but the toys basically sit and collect dust until my kid can understand them and by the time they can, I have either buried them under three tons of other crap, never to see them again, or they are so completely uncool that my kids wouldn't touch them with a 10-foot pole. Sponge Bob erector sets? Seriously, grandma. These are so 2012.
On the same age-appropriate note, though one of my kids is old enough to play with toys with small pieces, the other is not. So buying her Polly Pockets is AWESOME for her until she plays them with her little brother and says, "Here, Cool Cucumber. You can play with this tiny shoe. I hope you choke on it." Not fun for anyone. Also, Polly Pockets should be banned from existence anyway. Who the hell has time to corral all of those tiny little pieces? How about I just vacuum up the entire set and we call it a day?
Things that take up an entire room
People like to be generous when giving gifts to kids. Which is freaking awesome. Except when their generosity comes in the form of toys that take up an entire room. Though the 16-foot blow-up ball pit was a super awesome score for the kids, I now have to watch TV while sitting in the middle of it. Because god forbid we take it down and play with something else. Ever. Especially since you play with it for a whole 10 seconds A WEEK!
Toys that my kid obviously already has
Wow, a set of blocks? I TOTALLY never thought to get my three-year-old blocks. You are a genius. Let me put these right next to the 16 other sets of blocks she has because she is THREE and not a homeless child who lives on the street.
Things that require D batteries
Seriously. Just stop. Those things are like $5k a piece and each toy that uses them needs at least four of them to work. And then 15 minutes later…it needs four more. Mama is broke and that toy is ANNOYING!
Things that require ninja-like skills to assemble
If it takes more than five minutes to assemble, please, please, please either assemble it before you give it to them or don't buy it. Christmas sucks major ass when we are in the middle of 3,000 tons of empty boxes and wrapping paper and my kids just HAS TO play with Barbie's ski chalet RIGHT NOW. I am still in my pajamas and haven't had any wine yet, so I am not prepared to work an allen wrench, hammer and power saw to put Barbie's winter timeshare together right now. OK, stop crying. I will just get some duct tape and super glue and this shit is on.
Oh my god, this shit is hilarious and I'm mailing it with my Christmas cards this year.
ReplyDeletethat. would. be. epic.
DeleteYay Playskool Superhero sets for my son with tiny little web-thingy-missiles the EXACT same size as my daughters trachea... Awesome.
ReplyDeleteHa!
DeleteI'm about to call a moratorium on all gift-giving. But then that would mean I would have to buy gifts and The Hubs is all about NOT spending money. What a conundrum!
ReplyDeleteA Christmas Catch 22
DeleteWhen my son was 9 months old, some genius gave him a SNOW GLOBE. Really??
ReplyDeleteI would also love to ban stuffed animals. They're basically useless and he already has 5000 of them that he never plays with. And you can't donate them.
I agree about the stuffed animals, they were just already in that other post.
DeleteAnnnnnnnd now I've read it and I feel silly.
DeleteI will gladly take that ginormous duck even though we live in a fairly small apartment. I'm in love with it already.
ReplyDeleteha.
DeleteLol, I love it. To fix problem at least this year when my son is too young to know, we told family he didn't need anything, but if it broke there hearts not to spend some cash on him they could donate those dollars to his college fund and gave them account info.
ReplyDeleteNow THAT is a great idea.
DeleteHysterical! Yes, could they puhlease give her one more giant piece of plastic that makes noises and lights up and really should be recycled into something worthwhile... like a bottle of wine... or at least some wine glasses!
ReplyDeleteI would use the shit out of a wine glass that looks like a fire truck and lights up and sounds like one too
DeleteYou know what I love? The block thing. My kids are 1 and 2 and it is time for them to play with toys they can actually do stuff with and not plush crap. I tell my mother in law that they need blocks and what does she get? A SINGLE PLUSH BLOCK. Christ on a cracker they're not babies anymore woman! They are not interested in anything they can't hurt each other or themselves with. *huff* *puff*
ReplyDeleteAnd, honestly? I like building shit. I put together everything around here. Crib, two pack n plays, three strollers, 2 bouncy seats, 1 Exersaucer. I know my husband cannot be bothered and I like to do it anyway. I can't wait to put shit together on Christmas morning while my daughter is probably screaming to play with it. ...maybe I'll put it together the night before.
One plush block. Bwahahaha.
DeleteEverything that has a million pieces that can be spread about the house is a terrible gift. I feel ungrateful typing that, but half the parts get lost the very first day. And I will always manage to step on one barefoot while I'm hurrying.
ReplyDeleteAgreed!
DeleteI so wish it was acceptable to send a do-not send list. Especially considering the two years of pink plastic princess shit that my six year old now deems babyish. Money well spent, Grandma. Though I guess it isn't MY money...
ReplyDeleteCan't they just send it to a college fund? Or buy your first house fund.
Delete