Goodbye, Preggo My Eggo. Hello, Postpartum My Eggo. What you will find in Postpartum my Eggo updates: rants about how much newborns suck, gushes about how much newborns rock, unintelligible gibberish caused by lack of sleep and hormone imbalance, etc.
What you will not find here: weekly pictures of me and weight updates. Why? Because I think that is a good way to make myself feel like a failure when I don't do well and make some readers feel like failures when I do. Postpartum weight loss is an individual journey. If you are one of these mamas that had the baby and were posting skinny pictures of your tummy the next day, more power to ya, sister. I am not one of them. Currently, my belly looks like a deflated waterbed that has been attacked by a tiger then filled with jello and left in the sun for 6 months. You don't need to see that (though you may want to).
For now, I plan to keep these up until I return to work and have more than just a newborn to talk about. So, look forward to 12 weeks aboard postpartum The Crazy Train!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Amanda's Birth Story
I would like to introduce you to a fellow boozehound, Amanda. Amanda writes a blog called New Mom on the Blog. She is funny and just happens to live somewhat near me, though thusfar, we are only friends in cyberspace. Hopefully that will change now that we can both consume alcohol again.
Amanda is nice enough to have shared her birth story with me so I could give y'all something to read while I am at home losing my freaking mind. Enjoy. And thanks, Amanda!
Amanda's Birth Story:
I have to tell you, the idea of writing a birth story always freaked me out. Mostly because the few that I had read involved learning about other people’s bowels and episiotomies. NO THANK YOU. But, I have to say that it would have really helped to have an honest account of someone else’s labor and delivery (without the gritty details) in order to better prepare myself. So, I vowed that I would write my own birth story. The full birth story is on my blog. It’s 19 single-spaced pages on Word (Hey, at least it has pictures.) This? Is the abbreviated version (I kept the pictures.) I guess I should also warn you that I not only electively was induced, I also got an epidural and loved it. So if you’re looking for the birth story of a lady who squatted in a field and then used her own placenta to make artwork – you’re probably looking for another story.
To be completely honest, I was sure I would be one of the small percent of women who actually died in child birth. I was sure the pain would kill me even with an epidural as my pain tolerance doesn't really go any higher than that of a paper cut. (No, that's a lie. Paper cuts SUCK.)
I also live-tweeted my birth (bolded parts of the text.) Because that’s how I roll.
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5:12 am. We got the call. Here we go.
So, on my 39 week visit, my OB had me scheduled for induction on the Friday morning following my due date. The night before was so surreal to me. I actually cried (partially because I was so scared), but also because I knew that life was about to change forever. It wasn't that I regretted my decision to become a mother at all. It was just that I suddenly realized what a change we were going to have in our lives. The way it works at the hospital where I was induced is that you get scheduled for a chunk of time and they just call you when/if they have time in between the other scheduled/not scheduled births. Julie and I delivered at the same hospital which is known in the area as “The Baby Factory,” but to us it’s just The Spa. It is one of the best prenatal/neonatal hospitals in the country. They have about 8000 births a year. That's 22 a day on average. So, I personally thought I would be getting the call late in the morning. I didn't even bother setting an alarm. That was wrong. We got the call and the nurse asked how quickly we could get there. I answered, "In 26 minutes" because I'm crazy and timed our last trip there and because I was so excited, I wasn't thinking about the fact that I'd need to shower and eat before we got there. She said, "Okay, well we'll see you in about 30 minutes then." Wait. What? My husband and I went crazy getting our house together as quickly as possible. I showered and dressed. I even put on makeup. We left the house and I realized I hadn't had anything to eat. And I was about to give birth. Some sustenance was probably necessary. Since it was too late to do anything nutritious, we hit up "the golden arches" and my last real meal before becoming a mother was a Sausage McMuffin. We'll just call this my first parenting fail and move on.
6:38. In the room. In the gown. These things are God awful.
So, once we were settled in, my first nurse took a brief medical history (including asking me what I had for breakfast, which I shamefully told her then silently prayed she wouldn't let CPS take my baby from me.) I had elected to donate my cord blood, so they had to do a blood draw from me first. Enter: two nurses, neither of whom could possibly have been older than 25. Here's the thing about me - I like young doctors and old nurses. I do not trust young nurses, fresh out of nursing school. This is has always been true. But that morning it was with good reason, because it sure was a fun watching this newbie try to find a vein on me. Even more fun when I noticed her hands were shaking as she did it. She made me so nervous, I actually started feeling like I was going to faint. And I almost did. She finally got the IV started, took the blood samples she needed, and left the room. I never saw either of these two nurses again throughout the birth. Thank. God.
Over the ugliness of the gown. Almost passed out when they drew the blood. Hate IVs. (7:07 am)
The L&D nurse who was assigned to me got off at 7:00 or 7:30 am, so she really wasn't with me very long. She, along with the resident doctor, came in to get me started. The resident was full of energy and announced she was at the beginning of her second consecutive 24 hour shift. The nurse & doctor checked me (which hurt a lot, I can't lie) and they both agreed I wasn't very far along at all. I think one of them said "You're a 2...barely." The doctor did another ultrasound and said to us "We like to do an ultrasound first because we get really embarrassed when we induce a breech."
I was really scared at that moment. The stupid IV hurt me and that's just a small needle. They simply checked me like all of my other doctor's appointments and it hurt like the devil. I was certain I was going to die from the pain of everything yet to come. (Do you sense a pattern? For me: child birth=mommy death. Okay. Understand that this is what I was thinking every moment between now and the end.) Basically, if I would have been offered an epidural at this point, I would have happily accepted. No joke.
After we knew the baby was in position, the resident said she was going to order Pitocin. We were interrupted by a nursing instructor with a student in tow. I knew that our hospital was a teaching hospital and that I could expect some students to be in on the action. I personally don't care about them observing the process at all. I work as a health care professional and without my clinical experience in college, I don't know how I would have ever learned. All of that said? I don't need no rookies touching my va-jay. So, I already was equipped to explain that I didn't want ANYONE other than licensed, experienced medical professionals down there. So when the nursing instructor asked me if it was okay to have a student present, I told her, "Yes, but I don't want her like...checking me or anything." The resident jumped in and said, "Oh, yeah, we would never let that happen." Also, this entire conversation was actually happening in front of the student which was super uncomfortable. However, I stayed strong on my one and only rule (students+vajay=roundhouse to the face.) You will never guess what happened.
Seriously was just asked if it was okay for a nursing student to cath me after my epidural. "Don't worry you won't feel it." Fuck. No. (7:58 am)
I wish I was kidding.
Despite all of this? Allowing the nursing student to be present (though making sure she was kept at least arm's length away) ended up being a good decision because she basically became the official popsicle and juice fetcher all day long. Amazing.
Baby is moving like crazy. He must know he's getting kicked out. (8:10 am)
The new nurse came in with the Pitocin. I liked her. Her name was Karen. She was an older lady (finally, a GROWN UP) and she had some spunk to her, but overall she was just a no-nonsense person. I was glad to have her.
Pitocin is started. First contraction report soon. #thisisgoingtosuck (8:23 am)
My husband and I made some phone calls and basically just hung out. Nothing was happening. We played cards. I drank juice. I learned quickly that it was going to be a pain in the butt to get up every time I had to pee because I had to be unhooked and drag the IV pole with me into the bathroom. I kind of wanted to stop it with the juice, but it was the only thing keeping me from being hungry. So, we just had several annoying trips to the bathroom. I know this is where some people might think I'm listing reasons why births in a hospital are annoying. I'm not. I would never have even considered it any other way (as I like most medical procedures to be performed by...you know...doctors.) And I gotta tell you, I wouldn't have traded the treatment I got at this hospital in particular for any place in the world. This nurse never seemed annoyed to help me to the bathroom all of those times. Plus I enjoyed being able to hear the little whirr whirr whirr of my baby's heart for the entire experience - even if it meant having to be hooked to my bed the whole time. It was worth it.
"I thiiiiiink I'm having a contraction." They don't hurt yet. They have to hurt for a full hour before I get an epidural. #fuck (9:25 am)
Nurse tells me I definitely just had a contraction. It didn't hurt. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. (10:13 am)
If you’ve ever been induced, you probably also thought you would magically just be...having a baby. That is so not how it is. In truth, it is really, really boring.
It's a good thing movies make it seem like this goes by really fast. Otherwise, all movies about pregnancy would SUCK. (10:30 am)
Growling stomach is way more painful than contractions. (11:02 am)
Had a contraction while the nurse was in the room. She asked if it hurt, I replied, "This blood pressure cuff hurts more." (11:12 am)
Actually recognizing contractions now. They still aren't uncomfortable, but at least now I know what to expect. (11:27 am)
You know...looking back, I still don't know exactly what those early contractions felt like. I know I had some Braxton Hick's contractions at different times throughout my pregnancy, but these were different. They didn't hurt. My baby bump would just get really hard and seize up, but not in a painful way. That's really hard to explain to someone who hasn't had a baby - i.e. my husband. My husband, who was probably bored out of his mind went down to get something to eat since my mom was going to come up for a bit and sit with me. He brought the pizza back and that's when I really realized how hungry I was.
Rating scale (1-10): Contractions - 1. Husband eating pizza in front of me - 12. (11:33 am)
Given my obvious discomfort from being hungry, the nurse offered me all of the options for being on a clear liquid diet for the day. They were:
Wow. I can have Chicken Broth if I want. Delicious. #iwantjimmyjohns (11:53 am)
I told her I would probably want some chicken broth later on. She suggested a popsicle since it would help to "chew something." True. Things were getting boring. We had long ago abandoned our card game since it was such a pain to clean it all up for me to get unhooked to go to the bathroom and come back. My husband was clearly bored (though he never did use that word, God love him) and he decided to take a nap. The nurse gave him "the good chair" which was one that reclined and was softer than the one in the room. My husband assured me that it still sucked a lot, but that didn't stop him from dozing for a bit.
Definitely having contractions now and I can tell when they happen. Still can't describe them as painful. (12:48 pm)
Hospital chicken broth. Like Ramen Noodles without the noodles. Or the flavor. Or the will to live. (1:27 pm)
The broth actually did help me perk up a bit. Despite the obvious snark in my tweet, I really did feel better. I even had a lovely cherry popsicle for dessert. I was amazed at how un-hungry I was given that I was totally a bottomless pit throughout my entire pregnancy.
Knocking your own IV pain rating: Eleven million. Holy shit balls. (1:43 pm)
Husband is throwing a fit bc he accidentally got an oatmeal cookie instead of chocolate chip. I am going to rip his balls off. #blamethebaby (1:46 pm)
The above was definitely funniest part of the entire process. I laughed so hard when my husband realized what he was doing.
Experiencing some legit discomfort (I hesitate to call it pain.) Not looking forward to this intensifying at all. (3:31 pm)
I think I had one little contraction while I was in the bathroom. It hurt, but it wasn't horrible. It made my husband so excited because he wanted things to get on the move, but then he began to beg me to go for walks and use the bathroom over and over again to see if it would yield more contractions. If he had any idea how much that first little one hurt, he would have never suggested this to me. And he would have understood why I gave him a look like I wanted to kill him when he did suggest it.
Okay, I promised no TMI tweets, but what that doctor just did to me hurt. A lot. (4:06 pm)
So, to explain (and get a little TMI, skip this part if you'd like) a new resident (the peppy one from before got relieved from her 48 hour shift) came with orders from my doctor (here comes the TMI part) to attempt to manually break my water to get things moving along. Wanna know how they do that, non-moms? Google it. Then have some nightmares. You're welcome.
So yeah, it sucked a lot. And, to make matters worse it didn't work. The first attempt at doing this was the most painful part of my entire L&D and it was awful because my husband really didn't know what to do (nor was there anything he could do...he even actually said the word "Stop" in middle of what they were doing because he couldn't handle seeing me in so much pain.) I was worried about him being worried about me being hurt and the combination of that and the fact that I was progressing so slowly made it an impossible task because I could. not. relax. They decided they would try again later, but didn't say when they would do so. The thought and pain of all of this scared. the. bajesus. out of me. I did NOT want them to try again and I just wanted it to happen naturally. I literally tried to will myself into having contractions so they would give me an epidural before they tried again.
The nurse on duty with me said she was pretty sure our baby wasn't going to arrive on her shift and so we knew he had a little bit of time to pop home. A new nurse came on duty and as much as I loved the nurse who had been with me all day (Karen)...I loved the new one (Sherry) even more. She was FANTASTIC.
I had some visits from family, my aunt and cousin who brought a gift for the baby and cracked me up with jokes. This helped me total relax, but it was not too long after they arrived when a nurse showed up with the resident doctor saying that they were ready to try to break my water again.
My first thought was panic because my husband wasn't there. But my mom was there and offered to stay. My aunt and cousin kissed and hugged me goodbye so we could try again. The doctor and nurse urged me to just relax and breathe. I tried. They told me again. I tried again. It hurt again. So then I just took a big breath and started counting my breaths in and out and staring up at the ceiling. I felt myself completely relax and that's when they were finally successful. I think I actually said "Yay!" or something after it happened. I know. I'm a freak. I really think that it helped not to have my husband there for this part. He was an amazing birth coach (as you'll find out soon), but he was really nervous to see me go through this. And my nerves fed off of his nerves and so on and so on. So, I called him (or texted him) and he told me he was literally getting back in the car to come back to the hospital. I don't think he honestly was sad he missed it, but he apologized over for not being there for me. It was good to have my mom in the room so I didn't feel so alone and I was glad things might start to actually pick up the pace. And did it ever.
Have tried unsucessfully to put makeup on three times. Contractions are legit. My baby probably won't care that I'm not wearing mascara. (7:09 pm)
I can't honestly remember when the contractions actually started. I didn't tweet it. But, once it happened, it really happened. It felt like they were almost immediately only 2 minutes apart. Hard. FAST. So, immediately, we were calling the nurse to let her know I was ready for my epidural the minute they would give it to me. I had some idea that after the contractions started that I would be waiting a while for anestheisology to get to me. Turns out, it would take an hour and fifteen minutes for them to get to me. Thank GOD I paid attention to the pain management portion of my child birth class. So, to those who are banking on their epidurals (and God bless you for this) - listen up, the natural pain managment methods are necessary AND they do help. A little. I still wanted my epidural. But, I didn't kill someone in the process of waiting for it. Win/win.
So, the anesthesiologist got there and he had the driest/stoic personality I have ever met. Which is probably good. I like it when people who stick hollow needles into my spine aren't high strung. He got me set up on the edge of the bed. I was experiencing so much pain that it almost didn't occur to me to be nervous until the exact moment when I felt him start to give me the injection to numb the site. My husband stood in front of me and held my hands while I buried my face in his chest. He helped me do some visualization (of our cat bouncing around and chasing after his ball). IT TOTALLY WORKED. I relaxed so much. So much that I started having another raging contraction. I told the doctor to stop and he said, "No, let's just do it while you're focused on the contraction." That was smart. I was so caught up in the pain of contraction that I barely even noticed when he inserted the epidural - well, I could feel it, and it was a little weird and uncomfortable - but that lasted about 3 seconds before the pain was just...gone. Instantly.
Moms who haven't done this yet? Get the epidural. No, I'm kidding - do whatever feels right for you and for your baby and whatever is consistent with your belief system. And then? GET A BIG FAT EPIDURAL. I'm sorry I can't help it. I loooooooved my epidural so so so sosososo much. That contraction I had while getting the epidural? WAS. THE. LAST. PAIN. I. FELT. My entire child birth experience from there on out was (and I'm serious about this): PAIN. FREE. I finally relaxed for real. I suddenly was able to enjoy the process. Enjoy the momentous thing that was about to happen to me. To us. To our family. To our entire life. Every little bit of fear completely left me until all that way left was something that I felt like I was born to do, and that was to have this child. And it wasn't going to kill me at all.
In loooooooove with my epidural. Considering naming the child after that anesthesiologist. Now I can go back to tweeting in peace. :) (8:29 pm)
So there I was. Well past the 12 hour mark, but not a care. in the. damn. world. Epidurals are made of magic and rainbows, people. I received several encouraging tweets from friends. More family members stopped in to say hi, but respectfully stayed in the waiting room. Just having them there in the building was the best support I could have possibly asked for. If I know my family at all, they were probably sitting and trading stories, laughing, playing cards, and generally just loving life. The thought of all of that stayed with me for the rest of the night. I was so proud to be bringing my son into a family like ours. Plus. Have I mentioned? I felt greeeeeeat.
Now that I was nice and pleasantly numb, things kind of halted again. My nurse was on her dinner break and her relief showed up. She asked me if I had to go to the bathroom. I was so numb I actually couldn't tell. Plus, I had just recently incapacitated myself, so it wasn't like getting up to go was a choice anyway. Well, those of you who have had an epidural knows what comes next...
Apparently, I did have to pee. Like. A lot. And that was actually slowing things down for me. Who would have known that going pee would help birth a baby. It does apparently.
I had noticed when the nurse...um..."helped" me go to the bathroom that I was starting to regain some feeling. Enter: panic. I was so happy with my epidural, I didn't want it to go away. So, I hit that little PCA button and nothing changed. I told the relief nurse about it and she promised to tell my nurse when she got back from her break. Right around this time, the woman in the room next to me started screaming. her. damn. head. off. Panic exit right; enter: Full On Meltdown.
Can hear a woman screaming her head off in the next room. God bless her...should've gotten the epidural. (10:07 pm)
My husband and I were quiet and listening to the intermittent screams, muffled only slightly by the walls separating us. At some point, he looked up and me and smiled and said:
"Hey, can you hear that baby crying?"
"No. I can only hear screaming."
"Yeah, that's what I mean, it's a baby!"
"Um, no. That's a lady. In pain."
"Oh."
(Then complete stunned silence from both of us.)
My nurse, back from her shift entered the room and checked me. I think I was at 5 cm or something insignificant like that. She apologized for being out of the room for so long and said, "Things got a bit crazy out there." My husband asked her timidly, "Did she have an epidural?" The nurse smiled and said, "No...but she wishes she did."
Again, I totally relaxed - and told the nurse that I was having a bit of feeling. She told me she'd get anesthesiology to give me a boost. That was no big deal. Since the epidural was already in place, they just had to shoot a little extra medicine in there and then I was feeling even better. I had feeling, but not bad feeling. I could even move my legs...kind of. They just felt heavy and like they were asleep (but without the pins and needles feeling.) I was talking to the nurse and without realizing it was scratching the hell out of my arms and chest. She pointed that out to me and said, "Don't worry...that's a side effect. It goes away." It totally did, but the trembling didn't. Sometimes epidurals make women shiver (yeah, I didn't know either.) Me? I tremored like my own personal earthquake. Looking back now, I notice there is a huge gap between tweets - that's because I literally couldn't keep my hands still enough to type. My husband was flipping out. He said I just looked so uncomfortable. I assured him I felt the best I have ever felt in my entire life. And that's the truth. I would take that side effect over pain A MILLION times over. Plus, it went away eventually.
It was around this point that both of us realized no baby was going to come anytime soon. We sent everyone home (my grandparents were ready to power through even though it was after midnight) and both attempted to get some sleep. I know my husband had a really hard time getting to sleep, but I was out and in the deepest most relaxed sleep of my life, lulled by the steady whirr whirr whirr of the heart monitor.
Two hours passed, but it felt like five minutes. The nurse came in to check on me and asked if I was feeling any pressure. I said I could tell the baby's head had dropped, but I didn't feel the urge to push. She checked me and I was a 9. I remember sitting straight up in my bed and that I didn't even feel scared at all. Just excited and eager to give a first try at pushing. The nurse said to call my parents (who had asked me to call them when I was at 8 centimeters so they could make their ways back to the hospital. I really didn't want them to miss anything.
2:50. 9 cm. Finally. Got a boost on my epidural. That was a smart move.
I actually tried to fall back asleep while my parents hurried back to the hospital, but that wasn't going to happen. My parents came back into the room to see me and gave me their blessings and hugs. I had my mom put my hair in back to keep it out of my face for delivery. It's funny, I was about to do one of the most grown up things I've ever done in my life, but I still needed a little help from my mom. Some things never change. We sent my parents back out into the hallway so I could be checked again to see if it was time.
3:51 ready to push :)
The nurses called my doctor to have her come to the hospital. While I "labored down" (which basically means to let your contractions push the baby down more so you don't have to do quite as much work), the nurses let me do some "practice pushes." Turns out - mama didn't need any practice. While I was in the middle of my second set of "practice pushes" - my doctor walked in, saw that I was clearly progressing, threw off her jacket and purse, and ran into position. The nurses helped her get gowned up and the resident walked in to assist. I did another set of "practice pushes." Then it was show time.
I remember feeling incredibly strong.
I remember getting a fresh burst of energy in between each set of pushes.
I remember hearing my husband saying "Good job, good job, good job" over and over again.
My husband, oh my husband. The best birth coach in the world. It was like he knew exactly what to do and say and when to do and say it. He remained calm and excited for the both of us. He helped me keep going. He fed me ice chips in between pushes. He held my hand and cheered and cheered for me. I couldn't have done it without him. I've never loved him more.
I remember how slow it felt like my doctor would count to ten for every push, but how I would push hard right at the end.
I remember telling them the pizza/cookie story in between pushes and having to cut it off early so I could push again.
I remember telling them about the nursery and imagining it during another set of pushes.
I remember absolutely no pain.
I remember when they told me the head was out, I whispered to the doctor, "That's the hardest part. Right?"
I remember after that, I had him out in one more push.
I remember looking up at my husband as they laid the baby on my stomach and seeing tears fill his eyes as he said, "Look! Look!"
I remember looking down and seeing the most beautiful baby in the world and being in disbelief he was actually there.
I remember looking down at the baby and thinking he looked so familiar - like I've known him my entire life.
I remember being almost afraid to touch him, as if I would wake up from a dream.
I remember feeling so proud.
I remember feeling so strong.
I remember feeling changed.
When they had him cleaned up, it was finally time for me to hold him. They had him wrapped in a blanket with that precious little hat on his head and he was just so perfect.
My husband held me and I held the baby. We just stared. There were no words. The moment was a blur, but it was so precious. We took a few pictures, but mostly - we just drank it all in.
Eventually, it was time to make our way to our room. The baby was taken to the nursery to get cleaned up some more and I was helped into a wheelchair. They wheeled me through snaking hallways and up in some elevators until we reached the nursery window. They wheeled me close to the window where there were tons of babies lined up. For a split second I wondered if I would remember which one was mine...and then I kind of freaked out at that word - mine. But, it only lasted a second because when they held up my beautiful son, decked out in a clean white onesie, with his hair parted down the side like he had a little baby comb over. It was adorable.
I felt complete.
I felt strong.
I felt like a rockstar.
And the rest is history. Nothing that happened on the day of my son’s birth made me say “I’m never doing this again.” In fact, a lot of it made me say “I can’t wait to do this again!” (Then, of course, I spent four weeks with virtually no sleep and I realized I could wait a little bit longer.) If you’re about to embark on this journey for the first time – enjoy it. Drink in every minute. And if you’re about to do it for the second or third time – enjoy it. Drink in every minute. If you’re about to do it for the fourth or fifth time or more – are you out of your damn mind?
Just kidding.
Amanda is nice enough to have shared her birth story with me so I could give y'all something to read while I am at home losing my freaking mind. Enjoy. And thanks, Amanda!
Amanda's Birth Story:
I have to tell you, the idea of writing a birth story always freaked me out. Mostly because the few that I had read involved learning about other people’s bowels and episiotomies. NO THANK YOU. But, I have to say that it would have really helped to have an honest account of someone else’s labor and delivery (without the gritty details) in order to better prepare myself. So, I vowed that I would write my own birth story. The full birth story is on my blog. It’s 19 single-spaced pages on Word (Hey, at least it has pictures.) This? Is the abbreviated version (I kept the pictures.) I guess I should also warn you that I not only electively was induced, I also got an epidural and loved it. So if you’re looking for the birth story of a lady who squatted in a field and then used her own placenta to make artwork – you’re probably looking for another story.
To be completely honest, I was sure I would be one of the small percent of women who actually died in child birth. I was sure the pain would kill me even with an epidural as my pain tolerance doesn't really go any higher than that of a paper cut. (No, that's a lie. Paper cuts SUCK.)
I also live-tweeted my birth (bolded parts of the text.) Because that’s how I roll.
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5:12 am. We got the call. Here we go.
So, on my 39 week visit, my OB had me scheduled for induction on the Friday morning following my due date. The night before was so surreal to me. I actually cried (partially because I was so scared), but also because I knew that life was about to change forever. It wasn't that I regretted my decision to become a mother at all. It was just that I suddenly realized what a change we were going to have in our lives. The way it works at the hospital where I was induced is that you get scheduled for a chunk of time and they just call you when/if they have time in between the other scheduled/not scheduled births. Julie and I delivered at the same hospital which is known in the area as “The Baby Factory,” but to us it’s just The Spa. It is one of the best prenatal/neonatal hospitals in the country. They have about 8000 births a year. That's 22 a day on average. So, I personally thought I would be getting the call late in the morning. I didn't even bother setting an alarm. That was wrong. We got the call and the nurse asked how quickly we could get there. I answered, "In 26 minutes" because I'm crazy and timed our last trip there and because I was so excited, I wasn't thinking about the fact that I'd need to shower and eat before we got there. She said, "Okay, well we'll see you in about 30 minutes then." Wait. What? My husband and I went crazy getting our house together as quickly as possible. I showered and dressed. I even put on makeup. We left the house and I realized I hadn't had anything to eat. And I was about to give birth. Some sustenance was probably necessary. Since it was too late to do anything nutritious, we hit up "the golden arches" and my last real meal before becoming a mother was a Sausage McMuffin. We'll just call this my first parenting fail and move on.
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| One last baby bump pictures - as you can see, it is TIME! (7:34 am) |
6:38. In the room. In the gown. These things are God awful.
So, once we were settled in, my first nurse took a brief medical history (including asking me what I had for breakfast, which I shamefully told her then silently prayed she wouldn't let CPS take my baby from me.) I had elected to donate my cord blood, so they had to do a blood draw from me first. Enter: two nurses, neither of whom could possibly have been older than 25. Here's the thing about me - I like young doctors and old nurses. I do not trust young nurses, fresh out of nursing school. This is has always been true. But that morning it was with good reason, because it sure was a fun watching this newbie try to find a vein on me. Even more fun when I noticed her hands were shaking as she did it. She made me so nervous, I actually started feeling like I was going to faint. And I almost did. She finally got the IV started, took the blood samples she needed, and left the room. I never saw either of these two nurses again throughout the birth. Thank. God.
Over the ugliness of the gown. Almost passed out when they drew the blood. Hate IVs. (7:07 am)
The L&D nurse who was assigned to me got off at 7:00 or 7:30 am, so she really wasn't with me very long. She, along with the resident doctor, came in to get me started. The resident was full of energy and announced she was at the beginning of her second consecutive 24 hour shift. The nurse & doctor checked me (which hurt a lot, I can't lie) and they both agreed I wasn't very far along at all. I think one of them said "You're a 2...barely." The doctor did another ultrasound and said to us "We like to do an ultrasound first because we get really embarrassed when we induce a breech."
I was really scared at that moment. The stupid IV hurt me and that's just a small needle. They simply checked me like all of my other doctor's appointments and it hurt like the devil. I was certain I was going to die from the pain of everything yet to come. (Do you sense a pattern? For me: child birth=mommy death. Okay. Understand that this is what I was thinking every moment between now and the end.) Basically, if I would have been offered an epidural at this point, I would have happily accepted. No joke.
After we knew the baby was in position, the resident said she was going to order Pitocin. We were interrupted by a nursing instructor with a student in tow. I knew that our hospital was a teaching hospital and that I could expect some students to be in on the action. I personally don't care about them observing the process at all. I work as a health care professional and without my clinical experience in college, I don't know how I would have ever learned. All of that said? I don't need no rookies touching my va-jay. So, I already was equipped to explain that I didn't want ANYONE other than licensed, experienced medical professionals down there. So when the nursing instructor asked me if it was okay to have a student present, I told her, "Yes, but I don't want her like...checking me or anything." The resident jumped in and said, "Oh, yeah, we would never let that happen." Also, this entire conversation was actually happening in front of the student which was super uncomfortable. However, I stayed strong on my one and only rule (students+vajay=roundhouse to the face.) You will never guess what happened.
Seriously was just asked if it was okay for a nursing student to cath me after my epidural. "Don't worry you won't feel it." Fuck. No. (7:58 am)
I wish I was kidding.
Despite all of this? Allowing the nursing student to be present (though making sure she was kept at least arm's length away) ended up being a good decision because she basically became the official popsicle and juice fetcher all day long. Amazing.
Baby is moving like crazy. He must know he's getting kicked out. (8:10 am)
The new nurse came in with the Pitocin. I liked her. Her name was Karen. She was an older lady (finally, a GROWN UP) and she had some spunk to her, but overall she was just a no-nonsense person. I was glad to have her.
Pitocin is started. First contraction report soon. #thisisgoingtosuck (8:23 am)
My husband and I made some phone calls and basically just hung out. Nothing was happening. We played cards. I drank juice. I learned quickly that it was going to be a pain in the butt to get up every time I had to pee because I had to be unhooked and drag the IV pole with me into the bathroom. I kind of wanted to stop it with the juice, but it was the only thing keeping me from being hungry. So, we just had several annoying trips to the bathroom. I know this is where some people might think I'm listing reasons why births in a hospital are annoying. I'm not. I would never have even considered it any other way (as I like most medical procedures to be performed by...you know...doctors.) And I gotta tell you, I wouldn't have traded the treatment I got at this hospital in particular for any place in the world. This nurse never seemed annoyed to help me to the bathroom all of those times. Plus I enjoyed being able to hear the little whirr whirr whirr of my baby's heart for the entire experience - even if it meant having to be hooked to my bed the whole time. It was worth it.
"I thiiiiiink I'm having a contraction." They don't hurt yet. They have to hurt for a full hour before I get an epidural. #fuck (9:25 am)
Nurse tells me I definitely just had a contraction. It didn't hurt. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. (10:13 am)
If you’ve ever been induced, you probably also thought you would magically just be...having a baby. That is so not how it is. In truth, it is really, really boring.
It's a good thing movies make it seem like this goes by really fast. Otherwise, all movies about pregnancy would SUCK. (10:30 am)
Growling stomach is way more painful than contractions. (11:02 am)
Had a contraction while the nurse was in the room. She asked if it hurt, I replied, "This blood pressure cuff hurts more." (11:12 am)
Actually recognizing contractions now. They still aren't uncomfortable, but at least now I know what to expect. (11:27 am)
You know...looking back, I still don't know exactly what those early contractions felt like. I know I had some Braxton Hick's contractions at different times throughout my pregnancy, but these were different. They didn't hurt. My baby bump would just get really hard and seize up, but not in a painful way. That's really hard to explain to someone who hasn't had a baby - i.e. my husband. My husband, who was probably bored out of his mind went down to get something to eat since my mom was going to come up for a bit and sit with me. He brought the pizza back and that's when I really realized how hungry I was.
Rating scale (1-10): Contractions - 1. Husband eating pizza in front of me - 12. (11:33 am)
Given my obvious discomfort from being hungry, the nurse offered me all of the options for being on a clear liquid diet for the day. They were:
- Coke
- Sprite
- Diet Coke
- Popsicles (THREE DIFFERENT FLAVORS!!)
- Juice
- Water
- Ice chips
- Broth (Chicken OR Vegetable)
- Jello - except the hospital was having some sort of "Jello shortage" so that one was out. DAMMIT.
Wow. I can have Chicken Broth if I want. Delicious. #iwantjimmyjohns (11:53 am)
I told her I would probably want some chicken broth later on. She suggested a popsicle since it would help to "chew something." True. Things were getting boring. We had long ago abandoned our card game since it was such a pain to clean it all up for me to get unhooked to go to the bathroom and come back. My husband was clearly bored (though he never did use that word, God love him) and he decided to take a nap. The nurse gave him "the good chair" which was one that reclined and was softer than the one in the room. My husband assured me that it still sucked a lot, but that didn't stop him from dozing for a bit.
 |
| Here's my support system :) (1:26 pm) |
Definitely having contractions now and I can tell when they happen. Still can't describe them as painful. (12:48 pm)
Hospital chicken broth. Like Ramen Noodles without the noodles. Or the flavor. Or the will to live. (1:27 pm)
The broth actually did help me perk up a bit. Despite the obvious snark in my tweet, I really did feel better. I even had a lovely cherry popsicle for dessert. I was amazed at how un-hungry I was given that I was totally a bottomless pit throughout my entire pregnancy.
Knocking your own IV pain rating: Eleven million. Holy shit balls. (1:43 pm)
Husband is throwing a fit bc he accidentally got an oatmeal cookie instead of chocolate chip. I am going to rip his balls off. #blamethebaby (1:46 pm)
The above was definitely funniest part of the entire process. I laughed so hard when my husband realized what he was doing.
Experiencing some legit discomfort (I hesitate to call it pain.) Not looking forward to this intensifying at all. (3:31 pm)
I think I had one little contraction while I was in the bathroom. It hurt, but it wasn't horrible. It made my husband so excited because he wanted things to get on the move, but then he began to beg me to go for walks and use the bathroom over and over again to see if it would yield more contractions. If he had any idea how much that first little one hurt, he would have never suggested this to me. And he would have understood why I gave him a look like I wanted to kill him when he did suggest it.
Okay, I promised no TMI tweets, but what that doctor just did to me hurt. A lot. (4:06 pm)
So, to explain (and get a little TMI, skip this part if you'd like) a new resident (the peppy one from before got relieved from her 48 hour shift) came with orders from my doctor (here comes the TMI part) to attempt to manually break my water to get things moving along. Wanna know how they do that, non-moms? Google it. Then have some nightmares. You're welcome.
So yeah, it sucked a lot. And, to make matters worse it didn't work. The first attempt at doing this was the most painful part of my entire L&D and it was awful because my husband really didn't know what to do (nor was there anything he could do...he even actually said the word "Stop" in middle of what they were doing because he couldn't handle seeing me in so much pain.) I was worried about him being worried about me being hurt and the combination of that and the fact that I was progressing so slowly made it an impossible task because I could. not. relax. They decided they would try again later, but didn't say when they would do so. The thought and pain of all of this scared. the. bajesus. out of me. I did NOT want them to try again and I just wanted it to happen naturally. I literally tried to will myself into having contractions so they would give me an epidural before they tried again.
The nurse on duty with me said she was pretty sure our baby wasn't going to arrive on her shift and so we knew he had a little bit of time to pop home. A new nurse came on duty and as much as I loved the nurse who had been with me all day (Karen)...I loved the new one (Sherry) even more. She was FANTASTIC.
I had some visits from family, my aunt and cousin who brought a gift for the baby and cracked me up with jokes. This helped me total relax, but it was not too long after they arrived when a nurse showed up with the resident doctor saying that they were ready to try to break my water again.
My first thought was panic because my husband wasn't there. But my mom was there and offered to stay. My aunt and cousin kissed and hugged me goodbye so we could try again. The doctor and nurse urged me to just relax and breathe. I tried. They told me again. I tried again. It hurt again. So then I just took a big breath and started counting my breaths in and out and staring up at the ceiling. I felt myself completely relax and that's when they were finally successful. I think I actually said "Yay!" or something after it happened. I know. I'm a freak. I really think that it helped not to have my husband there for this part. He was an amazing birth coach (as you'll find out soon), but he was really nervous to see me go through this. And my nerves fed off of his nerves and so on and so on. So, I called him (or texted him) and he told me he was literally getting back in the car to come back to the hospital. I don't think he honestly was sad he missed it, but he apologized over for not being there for me. It was good to have my mom in the room so I didn't feel so alone and I was glad things might start to actually pick up the pace. And did it ever.
Have tried unsucessfully to put makeup on three times. Contractions are legit. My baby probably won't care that I'm not wearing mascara. (7:09 pm)
I can't honestly remember when the contractions actually started. I didn't tweet it. But, once it happened, it really happened. It felt like they were almost immediately only 2 minutes apart. Hard. FAST. So, immediately, we were calling the nurse to let her know I was ready for my epidural the minute they would give it to me. I had some idea that after the contractions started that I would be waiting a while for anestheisology to get to me. Turns out, it would take an hour and fifteen minutes for them to get to me. Thank GOD I paid attention to the pain management portion of my child birth class. So, to those who are banking on their epidurals (and God bless you for this) - listen up, the natural pain managment methods are necessary AND they do help. A little. I still wanted my epidural. But, I didn't kill someone in the process of waiting for it. Win/win.
So, the anesthesiologist got there and he had the driest/stoic personality I have ever met. Which is probably good. I like it when people who stick hollow needles into my spine aren't high strung. He got me set up on the edge of the bed. I was experiencing so much pain that it almost didn't occur to me to be nervous until the exact moment when I felt him start to give me the injection to numb the site. My husband stood in front of me and held my hands while I buried my face in his chest. He helped me do some visualization (of our cat bouncing around and chasing after his ball). IT TOTALLY WORKED. I relaxed so much. So much that I started having another raging contraction. I told the doctor to stop and he said, "No, let's just do it while you're focused on the contraction." That was smart. I was so caught up in the pain of contraction that I barely even noticed when he inserted the epidural - well, I could feel it, and it was a little weird and uncomfortable - but that lasted about 3 seconds before the pain was just...gone. Instantly.
Moms who haven't done this yet? Get the epidural. No, I'm kidding - do whatever feels right for you and for your baby and whatever is consistent with your belief system. And then? GET A BIG FAT EPIDURAL. I'm sorry I can't help it. I loooooooved my epidural so so so sosososo much. That contraction I had while getting the epidural? WAS. THE. LAST. PAIN. I. FELT. My entire child birth experience from there on out was (and I'm serious about this): PAIN. FREE. I finally relaxed for real. I suddenly was able to enjoy the process. Enjoy the momentous thing that was about to happen to me. To us. To our family. To our entire life. Every little bit of fear completely left me until all that way left was something that I felt like I was born to do, and that was to have this child. And it wasn't going to kill me at all.
In loooooooove with my epidural. Considering naming the child after that anesthesiologist. Now I can go back to tweeting in peace. :) (8:29 pm)
So there I was. Well past the 12 hour mark, but not a care. in the. damn. world. Epidurals are made of magic and rainbows, people. I received several encouraging tweets from friends. More family members stopped in to say hi, but respectfully stayed in the waiting room. Just having them there in the building was the best support I could have possibly asked for. If I know my family at all, they were probably sitting and trading stories, laughing, playing cards, and generally just loving life. The thought of all of that stayed with me for the rest of the night. I was so proud to be bringing my son into a family like ours. Plus. Have I mentioned? I felt greeeeeeat.
Now that I was nice and pleasantly numb, things kind of halted again. My nurse was on her dinner break and her relief showed up. She asked me if I had to go to the bathroom. I was so numb I actually couldn't tell. Plus, I had just recently incapacitated myself, so it wasn't like getting up to go was a choice anyway. Well, those of you who have had an epidural knows what comes next...
Apparently, I did have to pee. Like. A lot. And that was actually slowing things down for me. Who would have known that going pee would help birth a baby. It does apparently.
 |
| Here is my new best friend. He dispenses more numb - whenever mama wants it. Love it. (9:17 pm) |
Can hear a woman screaming her head off in the next room. God bless her...should've gotten the epidural. (10:07 pm)
My husband and I were quiet and listening to the intermittent screams, muffled only slightly by the walls separating us. At some point, he looked up and me and smiled and said:
"Hey, can you hear that baby crying?"
"No. I can only hear screaming."
"Yeah, that's what I mean, it's a baby!"
"Um, no. That's a lady. In pain."
"Oh."
(Then complete stunned silence from both of us.)
My nurse, back from her shift entered the room and checked me. I think I was at 5 cm or something insignificant like that. She apologized for being out of the room for so long and said, "Things got a bit crazy out there." My husband asked her timidly, "Did she have an epidural?" The nurse smiled and said, "No...but she wishes she did."
Again, I totally relaxed - and told the nurse that I was having a bit of feeling. She told me she'd get anesthesiology to give me a boost. That was no big deal. Since the epidural was already in place, they just had to shoot a little extra medicine in there and then I was feeling even better. I had feeling, but not bad feeling. I could even move my legs...kind of. They just felt heavy and like they were asleep (but without the pins and needles feeling.) I was talking to the nurse and without realizing it was scratching the hell out of my arms and chest. She pointed that out to me and said, "Don't worry...that's a side effect. It goes away." It totally did, but the trembling didn't. Sometimes epidurals make women shiver (yeah, I didn't know either.) Me? I tremored like my own personal earthquake. Looking back now, I notice there is a huge gap between tweets - that's because I literally couldn't keep my hands still enough to type. My husband was flipping out. He said I just looked so uncomfortable. I assured him I felt the best I have ever felt in my entire life. And that's the truth. I would take that side effect over pain A MILLION times over. Plus, it went away eventually.
It was around this point that both of us realized no baby was going to come anytime soon. We sent everyone home (my grandparents were ready to power through even though it was after midnight) and both attempted to get some sleep. I know my husband had a really hard time getting to sleep, but I was out and in the deepest most relaxed sleep of my life, lulled by the steady whirr whirr whirr of the heart monitor.
Two hours passed, but it felt like five minutes. The nurse came in to check on me and asked if I was feeling any pressure. I said I could tell the baby's head had dropped, but I didn't feel the urge to push. She checked me and I was a 9. I remember sitting straight up in my bed and that I didn't even feel scared at all. Just excited and eager to give a first try at pushing. The nurse said to call my parents (who had asked me to call them when I was at 8 centimeters so they could make their ways back to the hospital. I really didn't want them to miss anything.
2:50. 9 cm. Finally. Got a boost on my epidural. That was a smart move.
I actually tried to fall back asleep while my parents hurried back to the hospital, but that wasn't going to happen. My parents came back into the room to see me and gave me their blessings and hugs. I had my mom put my hair in back to keep it out of my face for delivery. It's funny, I was about to do one of the most grown up things I've ever done in my life, but I still needed a little help from my mom. Some things never change. We sent my parents back out into the hallway so I could be checked again to see if it was time.
3:51 ready to push :)
The nurses called my doctor to have her come to the hospital. While I "labored down" (which basically means to let your contractions push the baby down more so you don't have to do quite as much work), the nurses let me do some "practice pushes." Turns out - mama didn't need any practice. While I was in the middle of my second set of "practice pushes" - my doctor walked in, saw that I was clearly progressing, threw off her jacket and purse, and ran into position. The nurses helped her get gowned up and the resident walked in to assist. I did another set of "practice pushes." Then it was show time.
I remember feeling incredibly strong.
I remember getting a fresh burst of energy in between each set of pushes.
I remember hearing my husband saying "Good job, good job, good job" over and over again.
My husband, oh my husband. The best birth coach in the world. It was like he knew exactly what to do and say and when to do and say it. He remained calm and excited for the both of us. He helped me keep going. He fed me ice chips in between pushes. He held my hand and cheered and cheered for me. I couldn't have done it without him. I've never loved him more.
I remember how slow it felt like my doctor would count to ten for every push, but how I would push hard right at the end.
I remember telling them the pizza/cookie story in between pushes and having to cut it off early so I could push again.
I remember telling them about the nursery and imagining it during another set of pushes.
I remember absolutely no pain.
I remember when they told me the head was out, I whispered to the doctor, "That's the hardest part. Right?"
I remember after that, I had him out in one more push.
I remember looking up at my husband as they laid the baby on my stomach and seeing tears fill his eyes as he said, "Look! Look!"
I remember looking down and seeing the most beautiful baby in the world and being in disbelief he was actually there.
I remember looking down at the baby and thinking he looked so familiar - like I've known him my entire life.
I remember being almost afraid to touch him, as if I would wake up from a dream.
I remember feeling so proud.
I remember feeling so strong.
I remember feeling changed.
 |
| 4:38 am; 8 pounds 6 ounces |
When they had him cleaned up, it was finally time for me to hold him. They had him wrapped in a blanket with that precious little hat on his head and he was just so perfect.
My husband held me and I held the baby. We just stared. There were no words. The moment was a blur, but it was so precious. We took a few pictures, but mostly - we just drank it all in.
Eventually, it was time to make our way to our room. The baby was taken to the nursery to get cleaned up some more and I was helped into a wheelchair. They wheeled me through snaking hallways and up in some elevators until we reached the nursery window. They wheeled me close to the window where there were tons of babies lined up. For a split second I wondered if I would remember which one was mine...and then I kind of freaked out at that word - mine. But, it only lasted a second because when they held up my beautiful son, decked out in a clean white onesie, with his hair parted down the side like he had a little baby comb over. It was adorable.
I felt complete.
I felt strong.
I felt like a rockstar.
And the rest is history. Nothing that happened on the day of my son’s birth made me say “I’m never doing this again.” In fact, a lot of it made me say “I can’t wait to do this again!” (Then, of course, I spent four weeks with virtually no sleep and I realized I could wait a little bit longer.) If you’re about to embark on this journey for the first time – enjoy it. Drink in every minute. And if you’re about to do it for the second or third time – enjoy it. Drink in every minute. If you’re about to do it for the fourth or fifth time or more – are you out of your damn mind?
Just kidding.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The Confessional
My Sin:
I was in love with Donnie Wahlberg. A love that was all-consuming and made me do idiotic things like make out with my TV screen when NKOTB videos were on. I went to a NKOTB concert a few years ago and fell back in love with Donnie when he jumped on stage and chugged two beer in less than 30 seconds. I believe we are soul mates.
Sin From a Fellow Boozehound:
I'm deathly afraid of balloons. Like, I will walk 2 miles out of my way just to avoid them. And those balloon animal people at restaurants?! I just started motioning "no" and saying my son has a latex allergy. (He does not have a latex allergy, just fyi.) We don't have balloons at parties, except mylar ones. Those are okay. They aren't unpredictable like the latex ones. Even the smell gives me the heeby jeebies. -Erin (ILBAB says: I think this is a Freudian fear originating from the balloon's phallic shape. I think a sex toy party with you, your closest boozehounds and a box of wine is in order to remedy this fear.)
The Confessional is now open. Have something you need to repent for? Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.
I was in love with Donnie Wahlberg. A love that was all-consuming and made me do idiotic things like make out with my TV screen when NKOTB videos were on. I went to a NKOTB concert a few years ago and fell back in love with Donnie when he jumped on stage and chugged two beer in less than 30 seconds. I believe we are soul mates.
Sin From a Fellow Boozehound:
I'm deathly afraid of balloons. Like, I will walk 2 miles out of my way just to avoid them. And those balloon animal people at restaurants?! I just started motioning "no" and saying my son has a latex allergy. (He does not have a latex allergy, just fyi.) We don't have balloons at parties, except mylar ones. Those are okay. They aren't unpredictable like the latex ones. Even the smell gives me the heeby jeebies. -Erin (ILBAB says: I think this is a Freudian fear originating from the balloon's phallic shape. I think a sex toy party with you, your closest boozehounds and a box of wine is in order to remedy this fear.)
The Confessional is now open. Have something you need to repent for? Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.
Monday, December 26, 2011
My Sponsor Has Arrived
Ta Da! He's here. He's chubby. He throws up and sleeps a lot. Sorry to keep you in suspense with the 39-week update, but we kind of wanted to keep it a secret for a bit. Even from our friends and family. We wanted to wait until we all got acquainted and The Quiet Contemplator got to meet him. Things are hunky dory thus far.
Born: Thursday, December 22, 2011 at 8:34 p.m.
Chubbiness: 7 pounds 11 ounces 19.5 inches
Name:My Sponsor TBD
Birth story to follow once I have a chance to get some sleep/can think straight.
Until then, here is a quick outline of how it went down:
1130am arrive at hospital and gown up
12pm first fisting. Holy mother of god that hurt. 1.5 cm
1pm pitocin started
3pm water broken 2.5 cm
445pm epi
5pm ridiculous itching from epi. 4 cm
6:30pm catheter 5 cm
715pm 6 cm
8pm feel like I have to poop. Wait for dr. 10 cm
8:30pm dr arrives. Start pushing.
8:34pm he's here! I know, I suck.
Hilarity to ensue once the warm and fuzzy new baby feelings wear off and the reality sets it. Stay tuned!
Born: Thursday, December 22, 2011 at 8:34 p.m.
Chubbiness: 7 pounds 11 ounces 19.5 inches
Name:
Birth story to follow once I have a chance to get some sleep/can think straight.
Until then, here is a quick outline of how it went down:
1130am arrive at hospital and gown up
12pm first fisting. Holy mother of god that hurt. 1.5 cm
1pm pitocin started
3pm water broken 2.5 cm
445pm epi
5pm ridiculous itching from epi. 4 cm
6:30pm catheter 5 cm
715pm 6 cm
8pm feel like I have to poop. Wait for dr. 10 cm
8:30pm dr arrives. Start pushing.
8:34pm he's here! I know, I suck.
Hilarity to ensue once the warm and fuzzy new baby feelings wear off and the reality sets it. Stay tuned!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Preggo my Eggo Update: 39 weeks down, 1 to go.
The end of a pregnancy must be the only time in the world where you find symptoms like extreme back pain and horrible cramps a good thing. I actually said to my husband the other day, "I had really bad diarrhea this morning and my face is super bloated so that is exciting." At this point, any signs that labor is coming are embraced, no matter how painful or disgusting they are. I would give anything to be standing in the booze aisle in Target and have my water break. I would just take it as a sign that baby really wants mama to have a drink. Please, Baby. PLEASE!
And if another person says to me, "Oh, you have totally dropped" I am going to karate chop them in the gizzard. I have not dropped. It is my second pregnancy and you don't usually drop in second pregnancies. Why? I am not sure but I think it is because God is a masochist who wants you to suffer as long as possible until D-day for having sinned and had sex again. My Sponsor is still lodged in my throat. Just where he likes it.
And if another person says to me, "Oh, you have totally dropped" I am going to karate chop them in the gizzard. I have not dropped. It is my second pregnancy and you don't usually drop in second pregnancies. Why? I am not sure but I think it is because God is a masochist who wants you to suffer as long as possible until D-day for having sinned and had sex again. My Sponsor is still lodged in my throat. Just where he likes it.
 |
| Yep. Still pregnant. |
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
The Quiet Contemplator loves sharks.
So The Quiet Contemplator loves sharks. The problem with that is, she can't says "shark". It always comes out "cock". The other problem with that is, she loves sharks so she talks about them a lot. Like we will actually be in a store and she will see one and yell out, "COCK!". People tend to look at you funny after that. Namely, they tend to look at ADD Daddy funny and he wants to curl up and die and send his daughter to the monastery.
Sunday, we were watching a special on coral reefs on 60 Minutes. Guess what the coral reef has a lot of? That's right,cocks sharks. Well, the minute they panned to Anderson Cooper's guns and away from the sharks, TCQ would yell, "I want cock!" Awesome.
I like to tell TCQ to tell ADD Daddy how much she loves sharks. He does not think this is funny and you can see him have a little rage stroke every time she says in her sweet little voice, "I love cocks, Daddy." I am mean, I know.
Sunday, we were watching a special on coral reefs on 60 Minutes. Guess what the coral reef has a lot of? That's right,
I like to tell TCQ to tell ADD Daddy how much she loves sharks. He does not think this is funny and you can see him have a little rage stroke every time she says in her sweet little voice, "I love cocks, Daddy." I am mean, I know.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
The Confessional
My Sin:
I can not make my bed without bending halfway across the room to reach it for fear that something will grab my ankles from under the bed and try to kill me. I basically leap into bed every night so as to avoid the monsters under my bed eating me. I know this is irrational.
Sin From a Fellow Boozehound:
Motherhood: A Descent Into Madness: While breastfeeding, I thought I had figured out how long it takes the booze to purge from my system before it was okay to feed again. One night, I had pumped at like, 4 in the morning, and thinking that it was safe, stored the milk for the next feeding. Well. AFTER feeding the bottle to my son, I went to rinse it and caught a big 'ole whiff of white wine. I smelled the empty bottle, and sure enough, the booze fumes were so strong that my eyes almost watered. That son is now 3 and is not the smartest of our kids - we don't wonder why. Bad, bad mommy. (ILBAB says: A little white wine nip from the nip never hurt anyone. Thanks for sharing, mommy.)
The Confessional is now open. Have something you need to repent for? Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.
I can not make my bed without bending halfway across the room to reach it for fear that something will grab my ankles from under the bed and try to kill me. I basically leap into bed every night so as to avoid the monsters under my bed eating me. I know this is irrational.
Sin From a Fellow Boozehound:
Motherhood: A Descent Into Madness: While breastfeeding, I thought I had figured out how long it takes the booze to purge from my system before it was okay to feed again. One night, I had pumped at like, 4 in the morning, and thinking that it was safe, stored the milk for the next feeding. Well. AFTER feeding the bottle to my son, I went to rinse it and caught a big 'ole whiff of white wine. I smelled the empty bottle, and sure enough, the booze fumes were so strong that my eyes almost watered. That son is now 3 and is not the smartest of our kids - we don't wonder why. Bad, bad mommy. (ILBAB says: A little white wine nip from the nip never hurt anyone. Thanks for sharing, mommy.)
The Confessional is now open. Have something you need to repent for? Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.
Monday, December 19, 2011
My Top 10
This post from The Bloggess got me to thinking of who I would invite if I had a dinner party and could invite any 10 people in the world (and actually have them show up). Here are mine. Who are yours?
1. Daniel Day Lewis (He can just read the phonebook)
2. Woody Harrelson (Someone has to bring the weed)
3. Paula Deen (Because mama is hungry)
4. Puck from the Real World (Because we need entertainment)
5.Gerard Butler Ryan Gosling (Because I need something to look at he would probably bring a dog)
6. Sheryl Crow (Because I need to throw my hubby a bone and don't want to punch her)
7. Zach Galifianakis (Because he is weird and funny)
8. Michelle Duggar (Because she needs to have a drink and get high to cope with her loss/19 kids)
9. Dave Matthews (Because we were all in college once)
10. Chelsea Handler (Because I need someone to drink wine and make fun of Puck with)
1. Daniel Day Lewis (He can just read the phonebook)
2. Woody Harrelson (Someone has to bring the weed)
3. Paula Deen (Because mama is hungry)
4. Puck from the Real World (Because we need entertainment)
5.
6. Sheryl Crow (Because I need to throw my hubby a bone and don't want to punch her)
7. Zach Galifianakis (Because he is weird and funny)
8. Michelle Duggar (Because she needs to have a drink and get high to cope with her loss/19 kids)
9. Dave Matthews (Because we were all in college once)
10. Chelsea Handler (Because I need someone to drink wine and make fun of Puck with)
Friday, December 16, 2011
Preggo my Eggo Update: 38 weeks down, 2 to go.
So I have discovered something about stretch marks and second pregnancies. It isn't that you have to worry about developing NEW stretch marks. What you have to worry about it your OLD stretch marks running like a pair of cheap panty hose. Yikes! It is like they found a chink in my chain and are running with it. Literally. Bastards.
Here are a few questions I am tired of hearing:
Idiot: Aren't you tired of being pregnant?
Me: No. I had a lobotomy before I got pregnant this time so I think this is all super fun.
Idiot: So when is it going to happen?
Me: What am I, f*cking Nostradamus? If I knew that, I would be sunning in Costa Rica until D-day.
Idiot: Wow. You are so big. Are you sure it isn't twins?
Me: Do you want me to punch you in the throat?
Idiot: Are you still here?
Me: No. This is only an illusion. You are just imagining me waddling my a** to the copier. You have a sucky imagination.
Here are a few questions I am tired of hearing:
Idiot: Aren't you tired of being pregnant?
Me: No. I had a lobotomy before I got pregnant this time so I think this is all super fun.
Idiot: So when is it going to happen?
Me: What am I, f*cking Nostradamus? If I knew that, I would be sunning in Costa Rica until D-day.
Idiot: Wow. You are so big. Are you sure it isn't twins?
Me: Do you want me to punch you in the throat?
Idiot: Are you still here?
Me: No. This is only an illusion. You are just imagining me waddling my a** to the copier. You have a sucky imagination.
 |
| I have been told by two Drs, "There is a whole lot of baby in there." No sh*t. |
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
The Confessional
The Confessional is now open. Sometimes you just need to get something off your chest. Whether it be wearing granny panties every day, throwing away that t-shirt of your husband's that you can't stand or lying to your kids about why they can't drink "Mommy's Juice", The Confessional is here. Have something you need to repent for? Me too. I will be confessing a plethora of embarrassing sins/facts about myself while I am on maternity leave, and I welcome you to do the same. Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.
Just to get us started, here is my first sin of many to come: I have Christmas underwear that I wear year-round. They are old, ratty and gross, but I love them. I once wore a cream dress to work and someone pointed out that you could read something on my butt underneath my dress. I jetted before they could figure out that it was "Twinkle" written in red glitter…in June. Oops. The other pair that I wear reads, "Ho Ho Ho". Classy.
Just to get us started, here is my first sin of many to come: I have Christmas underwear that I wear year-round. They are old, ratty and gross, but I love them. I once wore a cream dress to work and someone pointed out that you could read something on my butt underneath my dress. I jetted before they could figure out that it was "Twinkle" written in red glitter…in June. Oops. The other pair that I wear reads, "Ho Ho Ho". Classy.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Preggo my Eggo Update: 37 weeks down, 3 to go. Get the f*ck out, freeloader.
I have been in an a**load of pain this week. I have some weird problem with the muscle near my right rib getting ripped out in pregnancy and my back right behind it feeling like it is being crushed. These two problems together make me want to punch a kitten. I had the same problems last time. I see a physical therapist but they still hurt like hell. Ugh. Boo hoo. Wah.
I got my first official, "You haven't had that baby yet?" today. Which made me think, what would these people do if I said yes? Next time I think I will reply, "Yeah, I had him last week, he is just an a**hole so I decided to come back to work right away so I don't have to be around him." It reminds me of this excerpt from after I had The Quiet Contemplator:
Stupid Sh*t People Actually Said to Me After I had a Baby
A week after I had the baby, I had to go to a friend’s art opening. I thought I looked pretty damn good for having had a baby a week earlier until three separate people came up to me and said, “Damn, when are you going to have that baby already?” To which I responded, “I had her last week.” To which they responded, “No seriously, when are you due.” Me, “No, seriously, I had her last week.” Commence hysterical tears.
Anyway. Now that I am fully cooked I am just ready to get this freeloader out of my belly and into the real world. Bring on the eggplant, sex and long walks.
I got my first official, "You haven't had that baby yet?" today. Which made me think, what would these people do if I said yes? Next time I think I will reply, "Yeah, I had him last week, he is just an a**hole so I decided to come back to work right away so I don't have to be around him." It reminds me of this excerpt from after I had The Quiet Contemplator:
Stupid Sh*t People Actually Said to Me After I had a Baby
A week after I had the baby, I had to go to a friend’s art opening. I thought I looked pretty damn good for having had a baby a week earlier until three separate people came up to me and said, “Damn, when are you going to have that baby already?” To which I responded, “I had her last week.” To which they responded, “No seriously, when are you due.” Me, “No, seriously, I had her last week.” Commence hysterical tears.
Anyway. Now that I am fully cooked I am just ready to get this freeloader out of my belly and into the real world. Bring on the eggplant, sex and long walks.
 |
| 3 weeks to freedom |
Monday, December 5, 2011
Hospital Checklist
Everyone has a list filled with rediculous crap. Here is mine, filled with the same.
Stay Connected
This is a duh, but bring your laptop to the hospital so you can check email and stay in touch with the real world while you labor (do not post on Facebook that you lost your mucus plug). This is also useful once the baby is here so you can announce to the world that you just lost 15 pounds in 20 minutes. Don't forget your camera cord and laptop charger.
It's Showtime
Download a few movies you have been wanting to watch to your iPad or laptop. Flipping through the hospital TV channels between progression checks gets lame fast. And the last thing you need to watch while in labor is a very scary episode of A Baby Story.
Mood Music
Bring iPod speakers and make some relaxing playlists for your iPod. Labor is much more calm when you are listening to Nick Drake and not the beeps and buzzes of the fetal heart monitor.
Sleep Chic
Bring comfy jammies and slippers. Once you have the baby, you won't want to be stuck laying around in a hospital gown with your a$$ hanging out and you sure as heck won't be donning this season's latest trends. Bring a pair of matching drawstring PJs to wear until you are discharged. Also, the hospital floors you will be roaming around are cold, so bring slippers. I also brought a robe with.
Bring the Boppy
The Boppy is a wonderful thing. It helps you feel more comfortable holding a tiny little newborn. It is also super helpful for those first feedings, whether you do breast or bottle. I brought mine to the hospital and it was awesome to have. I also recommend bringing your own baby blanket. Yes, the hospital provides them, but the ones you picked out are way softer and cuter for pics. Also, bring a zip or button up onesie for the ride home and the car seat.
Formula Mamas
If you don't plan to breastfeed, bring a sports bra and an Ace bandage to wrap your boobs up in. This helps keep your milk from coming in. The hospital bandages are RIDICULOUS. They couldn't hold in a fart, let alone a gigantic set of heaving boobies. So, make sure to invest in a good one and bring it with. Once you are home, I recommend cabbage leave compresses. They stink like hell, but they help (These also help relieve the pain if you breastfeed).
Celebrate being off the Wagon (oh yeah, and the baby)
Bring a bottle of bubbly to celebrate your new-found lack of sobriety and your new life as a family. Once the baby goes to the nursery for the night, pop open the bottle and celebrate your last night of alone time with your hubby and the new vomit-filled journey you are about to embark on. If you can, order in sushi, as well. I already have my order ready to go.
Stay Connected
This is a duh, but bring your laptop to the hospital so you can check email and stay in touch with the real world while you labor (do not post on Facebook that you lost your mucus plug). This is also useful once the baby is here so you can announce to the world that you just lost 15 pounds in 20 minutes. Don't forget your camera cord and laptop charger.
It's Showtime
Download a few movies you have been wanting to watch to your iPad or laptop. Flipping through the hospital TV channels between progression checks gets lame fast. And the last thing you need to watch while in labor is a very scary episode of A Baby Story.
Mood Music
Bring iPod speakers and make some relaxing playlists for your iPod. Labor is much more calm when you are listening to Nick Drake and not the beeps and buzzes of the fetal heart monitor.
Sleep Chic
Bring comfy jammies and slippers. Once you have the baby, you won't want to be stuck laying around in a hospital gown with your a$$ hanging out and you sure as heck won't be donning this season's latest trends. Bring a pair of matching drawstring PJs to wear until you are discharged. Also, the hospital floors you will be roaming around are cold, so bring slippers. I also brought a robe with.
Bring the Boppy
The Boppy is a wonderful thing. It helps you feel more comfortable holding a tiny little newborn. It is also super helpful for those first feedings, whether you do breast or bottle. I brought mine to the hospital and it was awesome to have. I also recommend bringing your own baby blanket. Yes, the hospital provides them, but the ones you picked out are way softer and cuter for pics. Also, bring a zip or button up onesie for the ride home and the car seat.
Formula Mamas
If you don't plan to breastfeed, bring a sports bra and an Ace bandage to wrap your boobs up in. This helps keep your milk from coming in. The hospital bandages are RIDICULOUS. They couldn't hold in a fart, let alone a gigantic set of heaving boobies. So, make sure to invest in a good one and bring it with. Once you are home, I recommend cabbage leave compresses. They stink like hell, but they help (These also help relieve the pain if you breastfeed).
Celebrate being off the Wagon (oh yeah, and the baby)
Bring a bottle of bubbly to celebrate your new-found lack of sobriety and your new life as a family. Once the baby goes to the nursery for the night, pop open the bottle and celebrate your last night of alone time with your hubby and the new vomit-filled journey you are about to embark on. If you can, order in sushi, as well. I already have my order ready to go.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
It's ALIVE!
Just for fun, I thought I would post a short vid of My Sponsor making my belly do the wave. Sorry if it grosses you out. Understandable!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Preggo my Eggo Update: 36 weeks down, 4 to go.
Sorry there was no update last week. Things were hectic with Thanksgiving/getting ready for Christmas and I figured y'all were busy trimming your own trees and sh*t.
What I have found since my 34-week update is that 34.5 weeks is officially the time where I was done being f*cking pregnant. I have been coasting through an easy pregnancy this whole time and finally hit a wall. I want my body back. I want to drink alcohol. I want to get up from a sitting position without it sounding like I am giving birth. I want to tie my shoes. I want to see my vagina. Overall, I want to be me again. I think the cause for every woman feeling like this around the 9th month is to make you so willing to get the baby out, that you are no longer scared of actually having a baby. Nature is smart like that.
So what will get me through the next month? Candy Cane Joe Joe's. Oh yeah. Because I just found out they don't contain Red 40 (Don't ask. Stupid ADD daddy and his Master's thesis). I love me some Candy Cane Joe Joe's. I plan to eat about 17 boxes before delivery. Right now I am eating a giant honeybun with white icing from the vending machine. 610 calories well spent in my book.
In related news, if another person comes up to tell me how big I am getting, I might start stabbing people. I just had someone come up and say, "Wow, you are just so big." To which I replied, "Thanks. Because that is just what every girl wants to hear." I might lock myself in my office from here until delivery so I don't have to deliver this baby in prison.
What I have found since my 34-week update is that 34.5 weeks is officially the time where I was done being f*cking pregnant. I have been coasting through an easy pregnancy this whole time and finally hit a wall. I want my body back. I want to drink alcohol. I want to get up from a sitting position without it sounding like I am giving birth. I want to tie my shoes. I want to see my vagina. Overall, I want to be me again. I think the cause for every woman feeling like this around the 9th month is to make you so willing to get the baby out, that you are no longer scared of actually having a baby. Nature is smart like that.
So what will get me through the next month? Candy Cane Joe Joe's. Oh yeah. Because I just found out they don't contain Red 40 (Don't ask. Stupid ADD daddy and his Master's thesis). I love me some Candy Cane Joe Joe's. I plan to eat about 17 boxes before delivery. Right now I am eating a giant honeybun with white icing from the vending machine. 610 calories well spent in my book.
In related news, if another person comes up to tell me how big I am getting, I might start stabbing people. I just had someone come up and say, "Wow, you are just so big." To which I replied, "Thanks. Because that is just what every girl wants to hear." I might lock myself in my office from here until delivery so I don't have to deliver this baby in prison.
 |
| Whoomp! There it is! |
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