Friday, September 30, 2011

Preggo my Eggo Update: 27 weeks down, 13 to go. (Mickey Rourke, stay away from my vagina.)

I made it! I finally hit the third trimester. Yay!

I went to the liquor aisle of my grocery store looking for a good bottle of wine for my hubby's birthday this week. That was stupid. It was like giving me a delicious piece of chocolate cake that punches me in the face every time I touch it with a fork*. Needless to say, ADD Daddy didn't get any wine and I left the store feeling like a junior high kid after a night of dry humping: keyed up and unfulfilled.

The other night I said to my husband, "We have a problem. I think my "area" is starting to look like Mickey Rourke." He replied, "Um...OK. That's not good." Exactly. So, due to increased blood flow and the pressure of My Sponsor using it as a hammock, my stuff is starting to resemble a resurging actor from the '80s that didn't know when to say when with the plastic surgery. Ew. I know.

At least better than Mickey.





*I miss you, Bob Rybarczyk. Suburban Fringe was awesomeness.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Preggo my Eggo Update: 26 weeks down, 14 to go.

I had my 26-week OB appt yesterday. When I checked in for my glucose test, they asked me when I had stopped drinking (meaning the sugar stuff for the test). I replied, "About six months ago." Three of the nurses fell of their chairs laughing. Two had to leave the room. I knew what they meant, I just couldn't resist.

I am closing in on the third trimester. It is a great feeling. Not because I am almost done, but because My Sponsor is now at a point where things will be OK, no matter what. That just takes a lot of weight off.

We have an out-of-town wedding this weekend. Not looking forward to 14 hours in a car (7 all in one day) or spending an entire weekend away from The Quiet Contemplator. The closer we get to D-day, the more and more I already feel like I miss her. The thought of her not being the only apple of my eye makes me sad. I know she will do awesome with the transition because she loves to share and is all-around perfect (no doing of ours), but I just feel bad that I won't get to spend as much quality time with her. Plus, we are about to expose her to boy cooties-yuck!

Overall, I have just been more emotional this week. Odd, because I haven't really been this entire pregnancy. The testosterone must be making me strong like bull. Maybe I just need another hit to take the edge off...

Yep, it's beheaded me, again.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Labor and Delivery

A few sage words of advice about Labor and Delivery:

The first most important rule of labor is: TAKE DRUGS. The second most important rule of labor is: TAKE DRUGS. Not only should you take the drugs, but you should take them the second they are offered to you. God put someone on this planet smart enough to invent the epidural. Say a quick thank you to the big man above for being so generous and order yourself one up. There is no reason to go through any pain. I didn’t and the most painful part of my entire birthing experience was getting the IV. Thank you, Jesus. Oh, and for all of you strong women out there that give birth without drugs, here is a small round of applause for you. Hippies. (Just kidding. Go, Ricki! Go, Ricki!)

See, look how happy drugs made me. And this was AFTER labor.
Also, take drugs after your delivery. They prescribe them to you for a reason. Your “area” will have received a beating 18x as bad as a pack of midgets could deliver with their tiny fists. You are not going to get hooked on aspirin and leave your baby crying in its crib while you get your next hit of Aleve. Take what the Dr prescribes you as directed. Once you feel pain, it is too late and you will be a crabby mommy and have a crabby baby.

Since you have now taken drugs and are a comfortable and happy mommy, one more note: take some stool softeners. Both while in, and after you are out, of the hospital. Believe me, after delivering your baby, pooping will become the scariest idea in the world to you. Painkillers tend to slow down the poop pipes. The last thing you want to be worried about when you are already in enough pain in the nether regions is a painful #2. If you take the stool softeners everything will go a little more…um…smoothly.

Also, don’t have the baby sleep in your room while you are in the hospital. Whether you had a great labor or a terrible one, you are exhausted and now is the last time you will have uninterrupted sleep for the rest of your life. Take advantage of it so you are the best and most alert mommy you can be when you head home. Leaving the hospital already strung out from lack of sleep is going to make the journey home and the settling into your new life HARD.

Oh! And take the hospital snot sucker home. These work 100x better than the ones at the store and when you need one at 2 a.m., you don’t want one that sucks (well, that doesn’t suck).

Friday, September 16, 2011

Preggo my Eggo Update: 25 weeks down, 15 to go.

Last week, I was reading in one of my pregnancy books for week 24. It said, "by now, you should have gained between 14 and 16 pounds." Wow, thanks for the wide range there. I just think that small of a range sets every mama who doesn't land within those magic three pounds up to feel like a failure. I am above that number, fo' sho. Should I feel bad about that? No. 

We are all different. Some of us will gain 80 pounds just looking at a brownie, others will stay below 25 while spending their entire pregnancy saddled up at the buffet. I just think giving a three-pound range this far in the game is a bit redic. I think that there should be a 50-pound range from start to finish. We all know what is good for us and our babies. Just do what feels right and try to sneak some healthy stuff in there along the way. If you have gained 25 when it says you should have only gained 15, suck it up and move on. Nothing you can do about it now. I will end every pregnancy over 200 pounds. No biggie. Now pass the nachos.

Stripes are...ah...slimming.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Things You Need Before Baby Arrives

You know you are going to need diapers, a crib, bottles, etc., before baby gets here. But there are a few little-known items that you are going to need to stock up on before your bouncing bundle arrives. Such as:
  1. 25 rolls of industrial-strength paper towels (to mop up all sorts of baby bodily fluids).
  2. A case of Kleenex (to mop up all of the mommy tears you will be shedding).
  3. A lobotomy. It isn't necessary, but it will make it much easier to deal with the schmidt you are about to encounter.
  4. A hazmat suit. This is about the only way that you are going to walk away from a newborn unscathed by pee, poop, vomit, etc.
  5. The fancy toilet paper. If your baby comes the traditional route, you are going to be a little sensitive down there. That Scott's crap is not going to cut it. Do your vag a favor: pony up for the good stuff.
  6. A swimming cap. Babies are attracted to mommies hair like flies to fly paper, which is appropriate, because somehow their little baby hands possess the same stick-factor.
  7. A case of beer and handle of vodka. I don't think I need to explain these necessities.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Preggo my Eggo Update: 24 weeks down, 16 to go.

Things have been going smoothly lately. Baby is getting bigger, my a$$ is getting bigger, etc. A little bit of back pain here and there, but that is par for the course. Overall, I am enjoying being pregnant more the second time than I did the first. There is just less to worry about, learn and prepare for. I know what lies ahead and it is not that bad. A few months of sleepless night are worth a tiny drooling pile of goo falling asleep on my chest.

24 weeks and counting...
To try to incorporate some healthy(er) food into my ravenous sweet tooth, I tried a recipe for apple muffins and they were delish! Hope you enjoy them as much as we did.

Apple Yogurt Muffins

Muffin Ingredients:
1 cup sugar
1 cup white flour
1 cup wheat flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
2 large red delicious apples (peeled, cored, quartered, then diced)
1/3 cup chopped walnuts
2 large eggs
1 cup fat free Greek yogurt
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted

Topping Ingredients:
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon

Instructions:
  1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.Place cupcake liners inside a 12-cup standard muffin tin.
  2. Mix sugar, flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon and nutmeg in a medium bowl. Add diced apples and walnuts, tossing to coat. Whisk together eggs, yogurt and butter in a small bowl. Gently fold the liquid mixture into the flour mixture. Don’t overmix or the muffins will be tough. Divide batter evenly among 12 muffin cups (they will be full!).
  3. In a small bowl, mix brown sugar with cinnamon. Sprinkle mixture over the tops of the muffins.
  4. Bake for 16 to 18 minutes or until muffins are brown around edges and spring back when touched. 
  5. Devour at least two muffins with milk while they are still warm. Once you are satisfied, let the fam know you made muffins and share if there are any left.

    Wednesday, September 7, 2011

    10 Questions About Baby's First Week

    An email from WebMD that I thought deserved my interpretation. Though theirs was mainly questions about how to prevent SIDS and other scary schmidt, I thought these were equally important:

    1. Why did no one tell me that my boobs would be bigger than Dolly Parton's and squirt milk whenever I even think about the baby?
    2. How on earth can the baby be hungry? I just fed it 20 minutes ago.
    3. Why is the baby pooping so much? It subsists on a strictly liquid diet.
    4. How is it possible that something so tiny is so loud?
    5. Why does the baby sleep all day and stay up all night? Was it in a rock band while in the womb? Should I be concerned about drugs?
    6. Why in the hell did I decide having a baby was a good idea?
    7. Is it wrong that I dream about a time when my life was filled with cheap chardonnay and expensive shoes, not cheap haircuts and expensive diapers?
    8. Is it just me, or is my baby an a$$hole?
    9. Is it wrong that i think my baby is an a$$hole? Does that make me a bad mom?
    10. Where is the vodka?

    Monday, September 5, 2011

    Household chores to avoid during pregnancy.

    I didn't click through to make sure, but I imagine this is what BabyCenter was going to say when they sent me this link: 4 household chores to avoid during pregnancy.

    1. Cooking anything.

    2. Cleaning anything.

    3. Shopping for anything.

    4. Having sex with anything.


    Friday, September 2, 2011

    Preggo my Eggo Update: 23 weeks down, 17 to go.

    Dear Dove,

    Though I sincerely appreciate your attempt to make me feel validated while stuffing my face full of your chocolate goodness, I do not need for you to hide inspirational messages in my empty candy wrappers. I don't need to contemplate the meaning of "Discover yourself." when I am scarfing down my 3rd chocolate treat. You don't need to tell me to "Be free. Be happy. Be you." when I finish the 15th. I have "discovered" that "being me" involves inhaling a significant amount of your product. Let's just leave it at that.

    I have a few suggestions for your future wrappers. Take 'em or leave 'em, just make sure to send me a check when this awesomeness hits stores.

    • This is why you're fat.
    • Do you really need another one?
    • A minute on the lips, a lifetime on your a$$.
    • Got cellulite?
    • God is watching you.
    • You're pregnant.
    • I know where Waldo is.
    • Look behind you.
    • They're watching.
    • Now contains 99% more cat.
    • Sure, one is only 40 calories, but you have had 13.
    • See, size does matter.
    • Nom Nom Nom

    He's getting bigger by the minute...


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