Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Preggo my Eggo Update: 12 weeks down, 28 to go. Like AA without all of the meetings

Pregnancy is just like AA, but without all of the meetings that help you get through the months of being without sweet, sweet alcohol. Well, I did it again. I got knocked up and didn’t think of the consequences: nine LONG months without the delicious wonder that is beer, wine and other assorted alcoholic beverages. Now, I am not an alcoholic or anything, I just REALLY like the taste of a delicious cold beer after a long day of work, teething, husbands, sunshine, rain, snow, etc. My. God. This. Is. Going. To. Be. A. Long. Nine. Months. 

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Friday, June 3, 2011

REALLY? (Sh*t People Actually Said to Me)


On yesterday's subject of dumb things people say, I figured I would dust off some old stories of mine and share them with you. Today, our installment is called:

Stupid Sh*t People Actually Said to Me After I had a Baby
A week after I had the baby, I had to go to a friend’s art opening. I thought I looked pretty damn good for having had a baby a week earlier until three separate people came up to me and said, “Damn, when are you going to have that baby already?” To which I responded, “I had her last week.” To which they responded, “No seriously, when are you due.” Me, “No, seriously, I had her last week.” Commence hysterical tears.

When joking with a coworker that I was covered in baby snot because my daughter had a cold, she informed me that, had I breastfed (I didn't), my baby wouldn’t get sick. Oh, OK. Thanks for the info.

While holding a friend’s six-week-old baby, a coworker came up to me and said, “Wow, I didn’t think you were that far along again.” I said, “I am not. I had my baby eight months ago and I am not pregnant again.” But thank you for making me feel like a huge fat a$$ that looks seven months pregnant again.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

REALLY? (Sh*t People Actually Said to Me)

On yesterday's subject of dumb things people say, I figured I would dust off some old stories of mine and share them with you. Today, our installment is called:

Stupid Sh*t People Actually Said to Me While I was Pregnant

“Was it a surprise?” Well, no. By 29, I hope I am smart enough to have figured out the whole birth control thing.
  
“You know, with your bigger butt and wide hips, you will be able to hide being pregnant for longer.” Um…great, because being that I am 29 and married, I was really hoping my big a$$ would help me hide this unwanted teen pregnancy from everyone.

While walking back from the vending machine at work, a lady said to me, "Are you and that baby eating candy again?" B*tch, I will stab you.

I had someone ask when I was due, then after I told her in four months she responded, "Wow, you big." "You way bigger than Diane (who was due in, like, 15 seconds)." Wow, thanks for that. Let me see if I can waddle my huge a$$ out of here before I punch you in the neck.

While deep in my cavity-filled mouth, my dental hygienist proceeded to tell me about her and her daughter’s late-term miscarriages, and then get really sad. This was the first time I had met her. Good to know, thanks.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

REALLY? (Sh*t People Actually Said to Me)

On yesterday's subject of dumb things people say, I figured I would dust off some old stories of mine and share them with you. Today, our installment is called:

Stupid Sh*t People Actually Said to Me Before I was Pregnant
Before I was even thinking about kids, I walked up to a lady at work to ask her for something. She immediately squealed at me. I asked her what was wrong. She squealed again and then looked at my stomach. After me still not getting what she was aiming at, she proceeded to put her hand on my stomach and ask me if I was excited. I responded, “No, I am not excited. I am not pregnant and now I have to throw away a brand new dress and never talk to you again.
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