Wednesday, September 7, 2011

10 Questions About Baby's First Week

An email from WebMD that I thought deserved my interpretation. Though theirs was mainly questions about how to prevent SIDS and other scary schmidt, I thought these were equally important:

  1. Why did no one tell me that my boobs would be bigger than Dolly Parton's and squirt milk whenever I even think about the baby?
  2. How on earth can the baby be hungry? I just fed it 20 minutes ago.
  3. Why is the baby pooping so much? It subsists on a strictly liquid diet.
  4. How is it possible that something so tiny is so loud?
  5. Why does the baby sleep all day and stay up all night? Was it in a rock band while in the womb? Should I be concerned about drugs?
  6. Why in the hell did I decide having a baby was a good idea?
  7. Is it wrong that I dream about a time when my life was filled with cheap chardonnay and expensive shoes, not cheap haircuts and expensive diapers?
  8. Is it just me, or is my baby an a$$hole?
  9. Is it wrong that i think my baby is an a$$hole? Does that make me a bad mom?
  10. Where is the vodka?


  1. Your honesty is fabulous! I don't have a child and don't foresee it happening anytime soon - but I love your blog. You crack me up!

  2. Wow - those were the same questions I asked myself...along with WHY did I bring a child into this world???
    As for #4 - I'm still wondering - almost 14 years later. And she's STILL loud!!

  3. Dear #7, oh how I miss buying beautiful shoes!


I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.